Tag Archives: bipolar disorder




 No matter what the doctor says at my next appointment, I know I need to develop one dreaded habit-exercise.


 I got to thinking about that as I read a good book about managing bipolar disorder (A friend’s wife is Bipolar 1 and loaned me her 2 books after telling her my thoughts.). They of course discussed the importance of medication but also touched upon diet changes, behavior changes and also taking up exercise.

 I hate exercise. 😦

 I hate it, but I got to thinking about how important it is as I saw a neighbor jog by me this morning. Could there be some point to all that talk about exercise actually helping us? Yeah, sadly enough, I think so.

 I admired my neighbor’s tenacity to jog, but also saw that it does help him. I personally think he’s ADHD, but keeps it relatively under control partially because he exercises consistently.  I also had an ex who I can almost guarantee was ADHD and biked almost 70 miles each weekend. I know that helped him, along with an incredibly persistent attitude.

 I also remembered my bitchy ex-coworker who was diagnosed as bipolar while she and her husband were going through marriage counseling. She was good at her job, but hated by almost all of us because she was the temper tantrum queen. I’ve got to hand it to her though, she took charge and did what she needed to do after the diagnosis. She took her medication, but was also anal about exercising. (Let me add in that she didn’t gain weight on meds, probably because she exercised so much.) Needless to say, she is doing well-and is still married. They also have a child. She has also realized her stress limits and has taken a job that’s a step below where she was when I worked with her.  And yes, she still exercises consistently.

 So…. What’s the moral to the story? Yeah, I know….

 Whether ADHD or bipolar, I need to get an exercise plan going. These people are truly examples of success in many different forms, but mainly because they take care of their physical selves.

 They don’t pound down the foods with white flour in them. They keep a positive attitude. They are persistent in a lot of different areas-including exercise.

 And so, the exercise plan begins.

  I’m worth it.

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Accepting that I may have other issues

 I’ll admit that I loved it when my psychiatrist said that he felt I was classic ADHD a few months ago. That felt good.

 It felt good that I wasn’t told no, it’s just depression, here are some anti-depressants and be on your way, as I’ve been told in the past. I also appreciate that the doctor is conservative with medication. However, I wonder….

 “Last month was just not good,” I told Dr. W a few weeks ago at my appointment.

 “Why?” he asked.

 I told him stress over my health issues. I told him that nothing was getting done.

 The doctor wants me to wait 2 months to come in again and resolve what’s bothering me before he considers other medication. I respect that-and did until last night.

 I just spoke with the doctor today because I’m wondering if I may need to come in sooner to discuss other medication. One doctor felt I may be bipolar. He thought that was jumping the gun a bit. I feel I may need some help with anxiety though. Ohhhh, that has been through the roof lately.

 I agreed to track my moods until my next appointment and also call him if I feel worse. He apologized that he didn’t ask more questions when he first began treating me.

 It’s hard to accept that ADHD may not be my only problem. I have to though in order to be a functioning member of society.

 How many of us have other issues besides ADHD? I’m curious.


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Me typical?

 There are just those days where you feel happy-happy that someone understands you. Today was one of those days.

 I wanted to kiss the doctor when I went today for my med check. I discussed with him that a former neighbor had told me that she felt I had a lot of highs and lows. She didn’t expand upon that, nor did I ask her to, but she said it. I’ll admit that I’ve been curious myself if I’m bipolar.

 I told him about how a friend has said before that sometimes I sound “wired.” I’ve job hopped more than I care to. I do say inappropriate things sometimes-more often than I care to, actually. My thoughts do go in all different directions…..

 “You seem like classic ADHD to me,” he answered. “ADHD people do sound as if they’re wired. They’re constantly job hopping due to blurting things out. This is classic ADHD.”

 My previous doctor had said that bipolar disorder is grossly overdiagnosed today, that very often these newly diagnosed bipolar patients are severely ADHD. He felt that bipolar disorder is rare and that the spike of diagnoses in recent years was a sham. There may be a point to that, in my opinion.

 Please don’t think that I’m discounting those who have bipolar disorder. A friend’s wife has Bipolar 1, and that is something. She won’t sleep for a week if she’s nervous. She’ll go on a manic creating binge. I love her dearly, but I cringe when she’s in that mood.

 I like my sleep. It’s incredibly rare that I’d be up all night. I like crafting-if I can afford to do it. I’m not her.

 So, anyway, I’m not bipolar. I’m just classically ADHD.

 And typical. Did I mention typical? 🙂

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hello anxiety, now go away…..

 My anxiety has been through the roof lately due to the family issues I’ve mentioned. It began to pique this past Saturday though when I had someone contact me for work that I didn’t feel was completely honest with me. I put a weird, anxiety-laced status on Facebook that night that was just stupid after hearing something else work related. I realized my stupidity the next day and deleted the status. And I hit the limit yesterday.

 The person contacting me for work whom I didn’t feel was honest helped me to assume something yesterday that was way off base. I thought about the anixety after venting to a friend about this person, who let me know that, um, my sister and I were probably going to share the same room if I didn’t calm down soon. I thought about how embarrassing this conversation was and thought about my anxiety and realized that the work contact was contributing to it all. So, I put a stop to certain things.

 This person had left me an email about something that day, so I replied and added that I would like to ask him to do something for me. I put boundaries on our communication. I had to know a few things if we were to continue working together. End of subject. If he was unwilling to honor my request, I would sever communication.

 My request was honored. I feel more comfortable with him. I verified that indeed he had been telling the truth all along but was vague about other things due to reasons that I understand. I calmed down almost immediately.

 So, I obviously need to discuss this with the psychiatrist at my next visit. I can’t continue to act like this for obvious reasons.  The doctor had mentioned at my second visit that Desoxyn was the least anxiety-inducing ADD meds and put me on it specifically because of that. He had also mentioned that I may need Prozac but was hesitant to put me on it due to my weight problem and the possible weight gain side effect of the medication. I am losing weight but am still pretty big, which is why the doctor was hesitant to contribute to my weight problem in any way, shape or form. I respect him for that, but if I need it, I need it.

 I have been told that exercise is a great anxiety reducer and is almost as effective as anti-anxiety medication. So, it looks like I need to begin a program pronto and see if that helps. Hope I can be consistent with a program now that I’m on ADD meds.

 I’ll admit that I was on Abilify for awhile and when I told the doctor that, he simply said, “interesting” but made a note in case he needs to put me on it again. I told him that I felt like I had a clear brain while on Abilify. I literally felt that I had a clear brain when I started that medication. I wasn’t constantly thinking. A psychologist told me once that he felt that it probably did a great job treating the anxiety, hence the reason why I felt that way. The psychiatrist told me that Abilify may cancel out the effectiveness of the ADD meds though if I get back on it again. Plus, he mentioned the weight gain side effect possibility. (Yeah…I remember the doctor who put me on Abilify cringing when she mentioned the obvious weight gain after I started taking it.) I can’t have constant episodes like this though. If I need it again, I need it.  

A neighbor and I were chatting yesterday about the crap going on in my family and said something that made me cringe. She mentioned that I really had a lot of highs and lows. I jokingly said back that yeah, I need some good medication for that. No response from her. 😦 A former boyfriend once mentioned that my moods were hard to handle. (Honestly though, I can now see that if I were honest with him, I probably wouldn’t have acted the way I did. That’s my opinion, at least.) Pattern?  

 I do have one positive thing to report though about how I quelched at least some anxiety yesterday at work. I’ve noticed that I ask more questions on the ADD meds, which is good. I noticed that an article I wrote was in the briefs section, so I sent an email to the editor while she was at lunch saying that I noticed that a snippet of the article I wrote is in the briefs section of the daily paper. Does this mean it’s not going to run? Oh no, she said. It will run in the weekly paper, but she felt that it would be good to include something in the daily paper as well. Ohhhh. Problem solved. Anxiety quelled. Potential depression averted. (I know that probably sounded weird to ask her, but I honestly didn’t know. I would have probably had worse anxiety yesterday had I not asked.)

 So, reality is being faced in the fight against anxiety. I do believe it’s anxiety and not bipolar disorder. I think….. I may need medication for that also, and that’s fine. I’ll try exercise first though and see if that helps. If not, I’ll have to accept the facts and get the medication.

 And that’s okay. If it helps the anxiety to leave, that’s okay.

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 And the light finally came on.

 I’ve mentioned my sister in previous posts. I’ve mentioned her cruel behavior towards me, I’ve mentioned the family ignorance, the pain I’ve felt due to the cruelty of her behavior towards me-and the family laughing right along with her and not accepting that this person seriously needs some help.

 They finally accepted it.

 She’s having visual hallucinations of rats and fleas and beehives now. I personally wonder what drugs she took to get them. Someone told me that coming off speed can produce that My dad knew it was a tale and I did also, but not my mother. She believed her! She said to me the other day that she and my dad were going to visit her this weekend to find her a new place to live to escape the rats. She wanted me to come along, but I said no way. The denial from my mother at that moment was disgusting. I said the words gigantic fucking problem to my dad when we left to go to lunch, and he nodded his head. He knew. Not Mom though.

 Until now.

 Reality hit her in the head last night like a brick. My sister called her and screamed. My mom called my sister’s next door neighbor twice yesterday; the first time the neighbor was coy with my mom and said she is just so stressed. (the eye roll is coming RIGHT. NOW…..) Honesty came out during the second conversation. I guess she has even mentioned rat sightings to the neighbor my mom spoke to. Another neighbor said my sister is also hallucinating about beehives. She has exhibited some other behavior in front of the woman my mom spoke to that makes her think she’s bipolar. I’ve always thought that myself. I’m thinking dual diagnosis.

 And I got angry over this a few nights ago. I was angry that no one listened to me until now about her. I’m angry that I’ve been ignored and that my sister has had this weird sense of power in the family-until now. I remember, for example, the time I was 12 and first smelled cigarette smoke in the house, which was odd for us. My Nana smoked herself to death, so I knew the smell of cigarettes. But what does my sister say? I am crazy and cigarettes, what cigarettes?  A normal person would have said uh huh, yeah, way to avoid, kiddo. I had been conditioned to think by that point that I must be wrong about something if someone challenges me, even if my instinct was right. It took me a long time to learn to trust my instinct. A long time.

 I’m angry for the unhealthy duo of my mom and her. The conversations my mom has had with me due to my sister putting her up to it are amazing and make me sick.  What kind of a sickness is that to not do what’s right for your child and stop mollycoddling insanity?! My mother and her relationship is insane.

 I’m also angry that my parents won’t take the necessary steps to do what every parent should-help their kid when necesssary. They are of a time where you didn’t visit the psychologist’s. You just didn’t. Still though, when you see your child suffering, don’t you want to take steps to help them no matter what? I personally think they are afraid to stand up and do what’s right. They are afraid of my sister saying she doesn’t love them or other bullshit. They are afraid to help their children. They always have been.

 I guess this goes back to my issues now. I was never as bad as my sister, but I knew I needed help. I was told I was a dramatist. I was told to snap out of it. To stop crying all the time. To just not be lazy. Did they see it and not know or did they just not want to see it at all? I’m fortunate that I was able to stand up and say I need help and get it myself. I guess it just saddens me that I see someone who desperately needs help, and they don’t want to hurt her witty bitty feelings because she might yell. God forbid that she yells!

 My sister won’t voluntarily accept help. I can see it now. There will have to be a 5150 hold. I don’t know if it will happen though. Will my parents reach past the denial?

 We’ll see.

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Sad but moving……

 So my dad’s 77-year-old cousin called me today. The poor thing has Stage 4 cancer and was a little depressing. The poor thing needs her family to call her even though she can talk your ear off. (She’s probably ADD, or maybe even bipolar. This woman is a slob, is creative and has kicked the ass of many ex-husbands. I love her!) So, I called my parents house after I got off the phone with her. Being that my dad is a year younger than her and was very close to her at one time, he needs to make the call.

 Nope, my mom said. Not on the agenda right now. Why, you ask? They just got back from the cardiologist’s and the test results weren’t good.

 My dad has congestive heart failure and had it diagnosed a year ago. Judging by what the cardiologist has told my parents and my own internet research, I knew a while ago that it wasn’t good. I didn’t face reality though, because he has honestly improved since diagnosis. I probably don’t know everything though, because he recently had a stress test, and my parents learned the results today. Not good. The next step is to have an angiogram done to see about placing a stent in his heart.

 So anyway, I was great on the phone with my mom, but when I got off, I cried. Still though, I had a party to go to this evening for a magazine I freelance for. I probably would have skipped it a few weeks ago if I would have gotten the news then and sulked and told the editor sorry I couldn’t make it, but a family issue came up.

 I told myself to get up and get moving even though I was sad. And I did. Granted, I was sad, but I did it. I am proud of me for doing that.

 I know this isn’t an ADD post per se. We all have to deal with aging parents and other realities of life, despite our issues. We ADDers can get depressed though. I’m not on antidepressants right now, but what’s in ADD meds that slightly perks up our mood and makes us less irritable? I’ve noticed a change in that area these past few weeks. I’m reading similar situations online such as mine where medications such as Adderall help stabilize depression.

 I hope that I can be stable enough to not need antidepressants as I go through this issue with my dad. If I do though, I’ll take them. I just find it interesting that I was able to tell myself to get up and get going.

 I just hope I can stay strong……….

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