Job hunt: how’s it going?

 It’s now been over a month since I quit my job, and I’ve had one, count ’em, one interview.

 The interview was with a small newspaper at the other end of the county I live in. I worked at that end of the county for 7 years, so that wasn’t even the problem. In fact, I left earlier than I felt I needed to-thankfully.

 And I barely made it on time. Barely. (I misjudged how far away this place would be. It’s literally at the tail end of the county I live in! Literally!) It took me 40 minutes in non-rush hour traffic, driving 80 miles an hour. Imagine what rush hour traffic will look like?

 I’m sorry, but the ad was misleading. The position advertised for was a reporter. Oh yes, I’d definitely be the reporter-and editor-for one paper. Needless to say, I nearly had an ulcer as I sat through the interview.

 On one hand, this position would look great on my resume. I’d be an editor and would also supervise freelance writers. Did I also mention that the office is literally right down the street from the beach?

 On the other hand though, that commute will absolutely drain me.  It wasn’t fun to drive to that end of the county when I worked down there for 7 years. In fact, sadly enough, I was happy when I had to come in 2 hours later near the end. That only took me 20 minutes.

 I also don’t feel that I’m qualified enough to handle the position. I feel I need guidance from an editor for a little while longer before I can become one.

 This almost makes me want to start a business of my own. That is, if I could think up an idea….

 Ahhh, the job search fun. I hope it ends soon.

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Saying no is all right

 Ahhh, Easter Sunday is almost upon us.

  Colorful Easter eggs abound, as do bunnies, Easter baskets and brightly colored spring joy. It’s a happy time of year for me. I like the weather. I like the flowers all blooming. It’s pretty. It’s happy.

 Except when you’re dealing with a certain family member.

 (Disclaimer: I’m trying really hard here to not totally get all ADHD impulsive and vent my guts to the world on this blog. I do think it’s important though to be able to discuss boundaries and how it’s all right to set them in families. Therefore, I’ll read and re-read this blog to make sure this isn’t impulsivity central.)

 Said family member’s birthday is Tuesday, so there will be a celebration. I’m not going to it.

 It’s a long tale of how I got to this place-a place of being fed up. A place of saying “no” long enough and not being heard. A place of disgust. I’m done. I say have fun, but I don’t choose to see you until you learn to respect me and my boundaries.

 This family member is probably another ADHD’er. Facebook friends of mine have told me how it shocked them that she never seemed to care growing up because she never had rules. True. Very true.

 It’s amazing to see how this person has chided me for being in therapy and once told my mother that anti-depressants would make me crazy when I mentioned I was on them (that should have been a clue though that she may be bipolar-I heard they can make symptoms worse if you are). She’s on them now.

 Irony.

 I felt forced as a kid to tolerate her cruel behavior. I began to put my foot down as an adult though.  I could see that her behavior was something I couldn’t tolerate.

 I finally hit the point last year where I said no more. It was craziness and enough was enough.

 I was done. The sad thing is that it was a relief to be done with her. I had no desire to talk to her. None!

 I do have a sense of concern for her though and I said my peace last year. She chose to not accept my opinion, so there is nothing more I can do.

 So, I choose to not be involved in this love fest this April. My mother doesn’t get it. She keeps asking me whyyyy.

 I don’t want to hear her nastiness. I don’t want to deal with her. I don’t want to see her.

 I literally cringe every time I hear that she loves me. If that’s love, I don’t want it.

 She doesn’t know boundaries. She doesn’t understand the word no. I can choose to stay away from this-and will.

 It’s a lot of past hurt. A lot. I know it and have worked on this in the past. Maybe I need to work on it again?

 Probably. But until then, I choose to not see her.

No action going on in here, trust me!

 

 This, my fine feathered friends, is a portion of my bedroom. Sad, huh?

 It’s a really good thing I’m not seeing anyone right now, as this would be the last place anyone would want to be intimate. With clothes strewn about and my procrastination picture laying to the side (It’s supposed to go above my bed. Don’t ask how long I’ve had this picture sitting there! After all, I live in Southern California, earthquake central, and need the perfect picture hangers so the damn thng doesn’t fall on my head one earthquake ridden eve.) , it’s not exactly action central!

 With my unfortunate unemployment though, I’ve been cleaning my place up. I’ve been wonderfully consistent with my to do list, which includes 15 minutes of daily cleaning. I’ve picked up my home in every area now, except the bedroom, which seems to have become my catch all. (Update on that front: I had an interview for a full-time job! Yippee!)

 I mean, it’s a yikes catch all! I need to vacuum, papers are everywhere…. Why do I do this?

 I did the same type of deep cleaning last year and coined it “Operation Condo Clean.” My bedroom was worse then, as I had a biiiig box in there that had sadly sat in the same spot ever since I moved to my home. I felt such a sense of pride when that room was totally cleaned.

 And I come back again. My once a year cleaning spree. What is it with us ADHD’ers that we do this? Why can’t we just keep our homes clean and be done with it?

 I think we are among many, as this site gives us women ADHD’ers tips on how to clean. I had to laugh with point #10. It’s no fun to put it away where it belongs! 😉

 I’d like to know how the rest of you clean and better yet, maintain that cleanliness once your deep clean is over with. Trust me, I’d love to know!

 

Accepting who I am-and liking it….

 I got to thinking today after listening to this that they make a good point.

 How about accepting who I am, faults and all? How about accepting that I’m that incredibly intelligent person that others tell me I am, yet  have to do things differently in order to succeed?

 Wow. Really? I can learn to accept this and live a fruitful, successful life with incredible purpose?

 I think that being accepting of this, yet not making excuses for it, can help me move forward. I’ve wanted to believe that this was all just a “fad diagnosis.” Oh, I’ve wanted to believe it so badly.  

 My family has also tried telling me that I’m just fine and need to buckle down. I even let my mother read my ADHD testing paperwork once done and she still didn’t believe it. She has no problem classifying my dad this though! Another family member also said to me, “(Snicker) DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT ADHD IS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT STANDS FOR? YOU’RE NOT HYPERACTIVE!”

 (I’m not, Ms. Snickerer. It’s ADHD, Inattentive type.)

 I wanted to believe them so badly. I wanted to be like everyone else! I’m not though, which is okay!

 This was such a good podcast which helped me to see that I am okay, ADHD and all. I am different, and that’s okay. I work differently, which is okay also! I get it done, but have to go about it differently.

 Accepting that I’m different doesn’t mean justifying my disorganization or anything else. It means coming to terms with who I am. It means learning to do things differently to succeed in this world.

 So, I just want to say thank you to Jennifer and Rob for this podcast. It’s good to realize that I’m okay, yet different.

 It’s good to start accepting that.

 

That good ol’ overwhelmed feeling

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I felt like this today. I’ve been thinking of a lot lately and it just all led to a moment of overwhelm. OhdearLord, overwhelm central.

 I’m getting nervous about my job situation, even though I’m working freelance jobs. I’m getting nervous about my money situation. I needed to tell my parents no today about something.

  My poor elderly father talked for a few hours straight. I mean it was a few hours. I also thought about a family member who’s going to visit who I honestly don’t want to see. I had to say no, I won’t be there when she comes. Then a sweet friend of mine who just got out of the hospital called and also did not stop talking for a half an hour. I didn’t want to hear another voice today after that.

 I could feel my shoulders tensing up after I got off the phone with my friend. I had to stop. I had to take a breather and just chill.

 And so, here I sit. I’m doing my work late at night due to having to take a breather and chill out. Why is it that I got so overwhelmed about these things? I mean, I truly did not want to hear another voice after both of them got done talking.

 The sad thing is that it’s a natural part of life. Parents get older. Parents also generally like to talk to their children. Friends have issues. Friends talk.

 They talked a lot today though! And I had enough.

 I’d love to know what others do to handle overwhelming days. How can I and others learn how to cope better when they come?

Consistency, consistency, consistency

 I’ll admit that I’ve been a little depressed since quitting my job. I’m questioning and realizing some truths, which is so damn depressing sometimes.

 A commentor yesterday on another of my posts  made a good point. Trying again and again isn’t just part of ADHD, it’s a fact of life. We have to get up. We have to get out there. 

 He’s right. We have to be who God made us to be.  

 Have I consistently tried to be who God wants me to be? Hah. I mean, I’ll try for a little bit, get bored and simply subsist. Then I’ll get depressed and go back to subsisting. 

 Simply existing is sad. There’s no joy in that.  

 This is due to a lot of reasons, which I won’t get into. I think this wouldn’t have been an issue if I had developed good habits when I was younger- to be persistent and not give in when life throws you curve balls. Life is life though and I’m having to learn at 37 that you have to keep trying.

 I think I’m only realizing now that I have to stay vigilant in an effort to be consistent in reaching my goals. It didn’t help matters much to read this, because I was blaming  this stupid disorder and wanted to relegate myself to defeat; that I’ll simply be forced to live in a state of “blah-ness” due to ADHD.

 Then I thought about it again. Yes, stress makes ADHD worse. Yes, I have an issue with consistency and follow through. Yes, I can justify my behavior.

 What can I do about it though?

 Look at the world around us. Many ADHD’ers are successful. Many lead wonderfully fulfilling lives. If an ADHD’er can be the founder of Jet Blue and Kinko’s, what can’t I do?

 I know I have a problem and I’ll have to find solutions to it. I’ll also have to be consistent in order to reach goals. (which means continuing to take medication) It’s an epihany that I wish I would have reached when I was younger, but hey, at least I get it now.

  This is also the first time accepting that I have a problem. A disorder. I know, I know. I’ve known for 11 years that I’ve had an issue and only see it now?

 Yes.

 I think that accepting it can bring healing. Yes, I’m grieving it, but it brings peace once the grieving is over.  Acceptance means not simply existing again. It’s finding solutions to handle problems that may arise. It’s being creative. It’s being me.

 It’s living my life.

Oh good, I’m not a TOTAL nutball….

 

I got to thinking recently about stressful situations and how they impact my ADHD. I mean, of course they don’t help anyone, but is it ten times worse for us ADHD’ers?

 It helped to read this, which showed that the best thing we can do for ourselves is stay out of a stressful situation. Hooo yeah. I’m living proof of that one!

 I mean, I know it’s not always possible to avoid a stressful situation. Heck, I’ve got elderly parents and they can be difficult at times. I know though that I can’t avoid them. There’s also another family situation that I won’t get into that probably won’t end well. I’ve stepped back from that in a way, but I can’t leave it completely.

 I can make choices though to handle these situations differently. How, you ask? Read below.

 What the heck can you do though to manage stressful situations before they spiral out of control? Here are some ideas I’m going to try:

• Learn to trust my instinct: Yesterday’s post showed me something. Even though the proprietor of this blog is a wonderful person, I had a feeling the first time I read it that I should just stay away. Did I trust my instinct? Nope. If you get the feeling that a situation is bad, walk away.
• Take your medication! I think that’s the most important, yet difficult thing an ADHD’er can do. I know that I personally have fallen off the bandwagon, thinking I can do it myself. Sadly enough though, I need the help.
• Set boundaries: I know the boundary I discussed in my last post is extreme, but I felt it was needed in order to protect me and my impulsivity. Are there other boundaries you need to set in order to manage a stressful situation?
• Admit you’re human: We ADHD’ers are human. We are awesomely smart, yet we mess up at times. That’s okay. Move on. Another day is coming. It will be all right.

 I’d love to know what other ADHD’ers do to take charge and take control of a stressful situation.

  Comment away, please.

No more, no more, no more!

 We ADHD’ers can get caught up in some serious stuff without even knowing it. I have many times before and almost did again last night. That is, before I caught myself and set a boundary-a permanent one.

 As a freelance reporter, I’ve got to be all objective n’ such. What fun is that? There’s a local political blog that is doing fantastic work, but it’s also a great time waster for me-and a possible embarrasser if I were to comment on there. This blog is incredibly creative, yet is also insulting as hell at the same time. Oh yeah, and did I mention the objectivity thing? I shouldn’t comment, should I?

 I did comment on there before getting the freelance job at the major paper in my area. I was tempted to do so again last night because I was disgusted. A blog commentor insulted someone’s Asian wife by calling her a mail order bride. He of course fought back and no one denounced the racial insult towards this man-including the blog proprietors. I wanted to leave a comment so. badly.

 I have friends who are Hispanic. I have friends who are African American. If you were to call one of my friends a “wetback” or a “nigger,” I’d be livid. Hell, I was livid last night. I wanted to leave a polite, yet stern comment denouncing this behavior. I knew I shouldn’t though, so I think I did something better.

 I was able to block the Web site so that I can’t comment or even look at the site again. I don’t want to even be tempted to go there again. I don’t want to know. I don’t care to know.

 Ignorance=bliss so that I don’t make an ass out of myself.

 I know that if I had commented, I would have been livid. I would have probably also said something that I would have regretted. I’ve done that enough in my life. I’m sick of the impulsivity of this disease. I think I conquered it slightly last night though. Yay.

 So I stopped myself from making an ass out of myself. I’d love to know what fellow ADHD’ers do to control their impulsivity also.

 Do you all need to set such tight boundaries as I did? Let me know.

 

 

 

Ya gotta have friendship

Don't worry, they're not praying over her wrist 🙂

 Friendship. Great for all, desperation sometimes for us ADHD’ers.

 Don’t get me wrong, I have friends. As of today, I also have 278 Facebook friends. You’d think I was a partyin’ soul at that point!

 I think we ADHD’ers are so kind that people gravitate to us-including those you want to just get the hell away from you.

 I got to thinking about that when I started taking Desoxyn almost a year ago. A friend of mine called one day and I could not believe how annoying she was! She would not shut up! And I didn’t notice that before getting on meds?

 Sadly, no.

 I think that we ADHD’ers are happy to get whatever friends we can. We’re happy to get the heck out of the house and talk to someone every once in awhile-even if they may get on our nerves.  I know that I’ve personally taken an attitude where I’m silent all the time due to saying inappropriate things in the past. I’m polite to a fault sometimes.

 I can tell you stories of how I’ve put up with people over the years just to have someone to do something with-or to have a roommate. You end up retreating when you simply put up with people instead of enjoy their company.

 Granted, I do have meaningful friendships though. I have long-term friends who bring joy and meaning to my life- that I’ll happily spend time with. It’d be nice to have more of them though.

 It’s funny how following a to-do list makes me see that I really have a lot of spare time and need to fill it with activities. What to do now is the question.

 Here’s to the journey of finding out!

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re probably ADHD….

 I got to thinking about an ex-boyfriend today. It wasn’t a romantic nostalgia trip. He was right though.

 M was probably ADHD himself and was trying to cheer me up. I met him at my internship right before college graduation. I sucked at that internship, which was when I got my first clue that I possibly had a problem.

 M didn’t care though. He personally had the experience of getting fired from his first real job out of college. He tried again and got another position in the same field. He moved on a few years later to another better position in the same field.

 I had to keep trying, he said. No excuses.

 I really didn’t try. I felt bad. I was depressed. Maybe God didn’t want me in this field?

 And so, I flittered around all these years without direction. That is, until this past year.

 It sucks to keep trying. The mental energy is unbelievable. I have to try again though.

 I thought about those wise words of advice given to me now almost 14 years ago as I sent an email out today asking  an editor at another major newspaper if they possibly need freelancers. It can’t hurt to try, I figured.

 I haven’t heard back yet and maybe I won’t. I just needed to try.

( I still feel bad that I screwed up so majorly, by the way. It got me a little depressed.)

 I’m also going to join the alumni chapter of my school that’s for people of my major. Can’t hurt, I figure, since I’ve heard that getting a job is all about who you know. I’ll also fix up my Linkedin profile.

 What’s that? You say trying again isn’t all that bad?