I have a very highly developed sense of denial.
I thought about this quote today while I paid my phone/internet bill. I forgot to pay it, so it was late. (I had service still, so it wasn’t that late. Yay for that!) I thought about the fact that I am wired differently. I’ve tried fighting it. I’ve tried denying it.
I’ve tried denying my anxiety also. I’ve tried denying the reasons why.
“It’ll all go away if I just exercise more,” I’ve thought to myself on occasion.
“If I change my diet, the anxiety will stop,” has also entered my brain more than once.
“If I just force myself to do it, it’ll get done,” is on my mind daily.
My mother’s side of the family is filled with anxiety-ridden souls. My sister and I have inherited this unfortunate trait, along with the ADHD from our father’s side of the family. It’s amazing that I’m not having a panic attack a minute due to my genetics.
I’ve tried fighting being on antidepressants, which also helps with anxiety. I did fine last year without it, but this year, I feel it’s needed. Yes, some of this is life, as I told the psychiatrist. Life is stressful and almost unmanageable for me right now though. And guess what? I feel better after a few days on it.
I fought it because I thought it would help me get a better insurance policy. I’ve been denied for an individual policy before due to being on antidepressants and wanted to apply for another one due to how expensive my current one is.
Ain’t gonna happen right now due to some health issues I’m having.
Fighting, in some sense of the word, equals denial to me. Denying ADHD. Denying anxiety and the depression it causes. When comes the time to stop denying it all?
I have to find new systems of doing things to not feel so overwhelmed. I have to find new ways to be a fully functional person again-one that accepts my different wiring.
The typical way of doing things just doesn’t work for me. What is typical anyway?
Does anyone really know?