Monthly Archives: May 2012

Being different is okay


I have a very highly developed sense of denial.

Gwyneth Paltrow

I thought about this quote today while I paid my phone/internet bill. I forgot to pay it, so it was late. (I had service still, so it wasn’t that late. Yay for that!) I thought about the fact that I am wired differently. I’ve tried fighting it. I’ve tried denying it.

 I’ve tried denying my anxiety also. I’ve tried denying the reasons why.

 “It’ll all go away if I just exercise more,” I’ve thought to myself on occasion.

 “If I change my diet, the anxiety will stop,” has also entered my brain more than once.

 “If I just force myself to do it, it’ll get done,” is on my mind daily.

  My mother’s side of the family is filled with anxiety-ridden souls. My sister and I have inherited this unfortunate trait, along with the ADHD from our father’s side of the family.  It’s amazing that I’m not having a panic attack a minute due to my genetics.

 I’ve tried fighting being on antidepressants, which also helps with anxiety. I did fine last year without it, but this year, I feel it’s needed. Yes, some of this is life, as I told the psychiatrist. Life is stressful and almost unmanageable for me right now though. And guess what? I feel better after a few days on it.

 I fought it because I thought it would help me get a better insurance policy. I’ve been denied for an individual policy before due to being on antidepressants and wanted to apply for another one due to how expensive my current one is.

 Ain’t gonna happen right now due to some health issues I’m having.

 Fighting, in some sense of the word, equals denial to me. Denying ADHD. Denying anxiety and the depression it causes. When comes the time to stop denying it all?


 Yes. Now.

 I have to find new systems of doing things to not feel so overwhelmed. I have to find new ways to be a fully functional person again-one that accepts my different wiring.

 The typical way of doing things just doesn’t work for me. What is typical anyway?

 Does anyone really know?

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all systems remain (almost) the same

 Today was the day of 2 doctor’s appointments. I saw the psychiatrist and he said that nothing I told him sounded remotely close to bipolar disorder. It sounded to him that all the stress I’ve been feeling lately has piled up and re-triggered depression and anxiety. He prescribed Effexor XR, for now. He asked me why I got off them before, and I said, “I realized that some of this is simply life.” His response shocked me. “THANK YOU!” I appreciate his conservative approach, but, um….

 I also saw a new therapist that he recommended. She immediately caught the ADHD and seemed to understand quite well why I was depressed. We’re going to discuss breaking things down into smaller, manageable tasks.

 So, here’s to feeling less anxious, exercising more and eating healthier to be on top of my game.



realizing the truth

 I’m realizing things. It’s good, yet not a happy good. I’d like to think it’s a good that will help me move forward though.

 I called the doctor to see if it’s possible to get in next week. I’m just really having a tough time right now. This doctor is really good about promptly returning calls, so he just called back. I’ll see him in a few days.

 I guess I’m just accepting that no matter what issue I have, this will take hard work to manage successfully-no matter what the medication is.

 I was rejected once for an individual policy eeons ago due to being on antidepressants. My work was trying to save money on health insurance and had us all apply. I was game-and stupidly honest. I was on an antidepressant and had no qualms about admitting so-stupid me.

 I was denied. Fortunately, a few others didn’t want to get off the decent policy at work, so I stayed on that. I was pissed though.

 “What was the logic of this insurance company?” I thought. “They denied me, but accepted a smoker with high blood pressure!”

 Even though I wrote a letter to my state’s insurance regulator protesting this stupidity, I learned a truth. Individual insurance policies will deny you coverage if you’re on antidepressants. Because of that, I wanted to try my hardest always to stay off them.

 And I have, for a year.

 I may just be having a tough time right now and need an antidepressant to get back on track. It may be more. Who knows? I need to be totally honest with him though.  Maybe I’m finally ready to do so?

 So, I’ll mention to the doctor what I’ve mentioned about my cravings. We’ll discuss things and hopfully, I’ll accept what’s mentioned.

 I just want to get back to work and feel like I’m moving forward again. Is that such a bad thing?

 And hopefully the name of this blog isn’t changed.

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Cravings and your mood-a connection?

 I realized something lately. Something not fun that has to do with the food I eat and my moods. I’m curious if any of you have noticed the same thing.

 I crave large quantities of carbs right before my mood goes south. I mean, an abnormally large quantity. A tub of ice cream that you pick up for a family. A whole loaf of french bread. Stuff like that.

 My body is saying cut way back on the carbs, please, in a way I’d rather not discuss. So, I’ve been having a great deal of salads and protein, with a small amount of carbs. I can tell you that a health problem I had with one of my breasts has stopped these past few days, I think due to my cutting back on my carb intake.

 I almost cried when I read this article. Wow. I think it may describe me to a tee. It saddens me, but I guess it’s a relief also. Maybe now I can get my weight under control and also control my mood better?

 I’d love to hear from all of you if you also get massive carb cravings if you have a mood change. Leave a comment!

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We. Are. Family.

 So I got to thinking about how this all connects to family.

 Of course there’s a genetic link. Many studies have proven this. I’m sure that we can all see this for ourselves when we look at our own families.

 How do they affect our illness though? Do they teach us that it’s wrong to accept help, or do they show us to keep a positive attitude and fight on, no matter what?

 What do you all think?

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 No matter what the doctor says at my next appointment, I know I need to develop one dreaded habit-exercise.


 I got to thinking about that as I read a good book about managing bipolar disorder (A friend’s wife is Bipolar 1 and loaned me her 2 books after telling her my thoughts.). They of course discussed the importance of medication but also touched upon diet changes, behavior changes and also taking up exercise.

 I hate exercise. 😦

 I hate it, but I got to thinking about how important it is as I saw a neighbor jog by me this morning. Could there be some point to all that talk about exercise actually helping us? Yeah, sadly enough, I think so.

 I admired my neighbor’s tenacity to jog, but also saw that it does help him. I personally think he’s ADHD, but keeps it relatively under control partially because he exercises consistently.  I also had an ex who I can almost guarantee was ADHD and biked almost 70 miles each weekend. I know that helped him, along with an incredibly persistent attitude.

 I also remembered my bitchy ex-coworker who was diagnosed as bipolar while she and her husband were going through marriage counseling. She was good at her job, but hated by almost all of us because she was the temper tantrum queen. I’ve got to hand it to her though, she took charge and did what she needed to do after the diagnosis. She took her medication, but was also anal about exercising. (Let me add in that she didn’t gain weight on meds, probably because she exercised so much.) Needless to say, she is doing well-and is still married. They also have a child. She has also realized her stress limits and has taken a job that’s a step below where she was when I worked with her.  And yes, she still exercises consistently.

 So…. What’s the moral to the story? Yeah, I know….

 Whether ADHD or bipolar, I need to get an exercise plan going. These people are truly examples of success in many different forms, but mainly because they take care of their physical selves.

 They don’t pound down the foods with white flour in them. They keep a positive attitude. They are persistent in a lot of different areas-including exercise.

 And so, the exercise plan begins.

  I’m worth it.

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Accepting that I may have other issues

 I’ll admit that I loved it when my psychiatrist said that he felt I was classic ADHD a few months ago. That felt good.

 It felt good that I wasn’t told no, it’s just depression, here are some anti-depressants and be on your way, as I’ve been told in the past. I also appreciate that the doctor is conservative with medication. However, I wonder….

 “Last month was just not good,” I told Dr. W a few weeks ago at my appointment.

 “Why?” he asked.

 I told him stress over my health issues. I told him that nothing was getting done.

 The doctor wants me to wait 2 months to come in again and resolve what’s bothering me before he considers other medication. I respect that-and did until last night.

 I just spoke with the doctor today because I’m wondering if I may need to come in sooner to discuss other medication. One doctor felt I may be bipolar. He thought that was jumping the gun a bit. I feel I may need some help with anxiety though. Ohhhh, that has been through the roof lately.

 I agreed to track my moods until my next appointment and also call him if I feel worse. He apologized that he didn’t ask more questions when he first began treating me.

 It’s hard to accept that ADHD may not be my only problem. I have to though in order to be a functioning member of society.

 How many of us have other issues besides ADHD? I’m curious.


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I’m ba-a-ck……

 Hey All!

 Sorry for the lack of posting! Life has sort of gotten in the way. Rest assured though, I’m back and hope to authentically post as much as possible.