Positive thinking? What’s that?

I worked with a woman over a decade ago who lived and breathed yoga. I thought she was nuts.

 I mean, after all, what the hell were those ommmms for? Healthy eating? Who the hell needs that?


 I can now see that a big downfall of mine is my negative thinking. My negative thinking connects to my anxiety, which I think stops me from achieving what I want to. I feel that it also creates a negative aura around me that others can sense.

 I thought about this yesterday when mentioning to a friend that I’m having a procedure today (a breast ultrasound). We don’t even know what the problem is, but I mentioned that one of the answers could be breast cancer.

 “POSITIVE THINKING…..POSITIVE THINKING,” he kept saying to me. (He knows me)

 I grew up in a home where I felt constantly downed by various female figures in my life. Whether it be my weight problem, my eyebrow plucking (or lack thereof) as a teenager or something else, I hardly ever got positive affirmations from them growing up. Even now, one of them simply amazes me with how negative she can be. She wanted to pray the cancer out of me last week when we don’t even know that I have breast cancer!

 The woman next to me at church on Sunday felt led to put her hand on my shoulder and prayed for me. She later told me that God told her that I had been wounded by words.

 Yes, it’s a pretty general statement she made, but I thought about it later on.

 Holy Mother-of-God, I must give off an aura of woundedness to the world…

 Could that be why I haven’t achieved what I feel I’d like to in life? I mean, I know that the ADHD doesn’t help matters much, but if I thought a little more positively, maybe some things would start coming true? Hard work helps, but can I believe enough to help the hard work bring my dreams to fruition?

 I’m going to have to.

 I know it will take practice. I know it will also take limiting the female family influences.

 I feel I’m worth it though.


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