Monthly Archives: April 2012

Positive thinking? What’s that?

I worked with a woman over a decade ago who lived and breathed yoga. I thought she was nuts.

 I mean, after all, what the hell were those ommmms for? Healthy eating? Who the hell needs that?

 Me.

 I can now see that a big downfall of mine is my negative thinking. My negative thinking connects to my anxiety, which I think stops me from achieving what I want to. I feel that it also creates a negative aura around me that others can sense.

 I thought about this yesterday when mentioning to a friend that I’m having a procedure today (a breast ultrasound). We don’t even know what the problem is, but I mentioned that one of the answers could be breast cancer.

 “POSITIVE THINKING…..POSITIVE THINKING,” he kept saying to me. (He knows me)

 I grew up in a home where I felt constantly downed by various female figures in my life. Whether it be my weight problem, my eyebrow plucking (or lack thereof) as a teenager or something else, I hardly ever got positive affirmations from them growing up. Even now, one of them simply amazes me with how negative she can be. She wanted to pray the cancer out of me last week when we don’t even know that I have breast cancer!

 The woman next to me at church on Sunday felt led to put her hand on my shoulder and prayed for me. She later told me that God told her that I had been wounded by words.

 Yes, it’s a pretty general statement she made, but I thought about it later on.

 Holy Mother-of-God, I must give off an aura of woundedness to the world…

 Could that be why I haven’t achieved what I feel I’d like to in life? I mean, I know that the ADHD doesn’t help matters much, but if I thought a little more positively, maybe some things would start coming true? Hard work helps, but can I believe enough to help the hard work bring my dreams to fruition?

 I’m going to have to.

 I know it will take practice. I know it will also take limiting the female family influences.

 I feel I’m worth it though.

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Job hunt: how’s it going?

 It’s now been over a month since I quit my job, and I’ve had one, count ’em, one interview.

 The interview was with a small newspaper at the other end of the county I live in. I worked at that end of the county for 7 years, so that wasn’t even the problem. In fact, I left earlier than I felt I needed to-thankfully.

 And I barely made it on time. Barely. (I misjudged how far away this place would be. It’s literally at the tail end of the county I live in! Literally!) It took me 40 minutes in non-rush hour traffic, driving 80 miles an hour. Imagine what rush hour traffic will look like?

 I’m sorry, but the ad was misleading. The position advertised for was a reporter. Oh yes, I’d definitely be the reporter-and editor-for one paper. Needless to say, I nearly had an ulcer as I sat through the interview.

 On one hand, this position would look great on my resume. I’d be an editor and would also supervise freelance writers. Did I also mention that the office is literally right down the street from the beach?

 On the other hand though, that commute will absolutely drain me.  It wasn’t fun to drive to that end of the county when I worked down there for 7 years. In fact, sadly enough, I was happy when I had to come in 2 hours later near the end. That only took me 20 minutes.

 I also don’t feel that I’m qualified enough to handle the position. I feel I need guidance from an editor for a little while longer before I can become one.

 This almost makes me want to start a business of my own. That is, if I could think up an idea….

 Ahhh, the job search fun. I hope it ends soon.

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Saying no is all right

 Ahhh, Easter Sunday is almost upon us.

  Colorful Easter eggs abound, as do bunnies, Easter baskets and brightly colored spring joy. It’s a happy time of year for me. I like the weather. I like the flowers all blooming. It’s pretty. It’s happy.

 Except when you’re dealing with a certain family member.

 (Disclaimer: I’m trying really hard here to not totally get all ADHD impulsive and vent my guts to the world on this blog. I do think it’s important though to be able to discuss boundaries and how it’s all right to set them in families. Therefore, I’ll read and re-read this blog to make sure this isn’t impulsivity central.)

 Said family member’s birthday is Tuesday, so there will be a celebration. I’m not going to it.

 It’s a long tale of how I got to this place-a place of being fed up. A place of saying “no” long enough and not being heard. A place of disgust. I’m done. I say have fun, but I don’t choose to see you until you learn to respect me and my boundaries.

 This family member is probably another ADHD’er. Facebook friends of mine have told me how it shocked them that she never seemed to care growing up because she never had rules. True. Very true.

 It’s amazing to see how this person has chided me for being in therapy and once told my mother that anti-depressants would make me crazy when I mentioned I was on them (that should have been a clue though that she may be bipolar-I heard they can make symptoms worse if you are). She’s on them now.

 Irony.

 I felt forced as a kid to tolerate her cruel behavior. I began to put my foot down as an adult though.  I could see that her behavior was something I couldn’t tolerate.

 I finally hit the point last year where I said no more. It was craziness and enough was enough.

 I was done. The sad thing is that it was a relief to be done with her. I had no desire to talk to her. None!

 I do have a sense of concern for her though and I said my peace last year. She chose to not accept my opinion, so there is nothing more I can do.

 So, I choose to not be involved in this love fest this April. My mother doesn’t get it. She keeps asking me whyyyy.

 I don’t want to hear her nastiness. I don’t want to deal with her. I don’t want to see her.

 I literally cringe every time I hear that she loves me. If that’s love, I don’t want it.

 She doesn’t know boundaries. She doesn’t understand the word no. I can choose to stay away from this-and will.

 It’s a lot of past hurt. A lot. I know it and have worked on this in the past. Maybe I need to work on it again?

 Probably. But until then, I choose to not see her.

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No action going on in here, trust me!

 

 This, my fine feathered friends, is a portion of my bedroom. Sad, huh?

 It’s a really good thing I’m not seeing anyone right now, as this would be the last place anyone would want to be intimate. With clothes strewn about and my procrastination picture laying to the side (It’s supposed to go above my bed. Don’t ask how long I’ve had this picture sitting there! After all, I live in Southern California, earthquake central, and need the perfect picture hangers so the damn thng doesn’t fall on my head one earthquake ridden eve.) , it’s not exactly action central!

 With my unfortunate unemployment though, I’ve been cleaning my place up. I’ve been wonderfully consistent with my to do list, which includes 15 minutes of daily cleaning. I’ve picked up my home in every area now, except the bedroom, which seems to have become my catch all. (Update on that front: I had an interview for a full-time job! Yippee!)

 I mean, it’s a yikes catch all! I need to vacuum, papers are everywhere…. Why do I do this?

 I did the same type of deep cleaning last year and coined it “Operation Condo Clean.” My bedroom was worse then, as I had a biiiig box in there that had sadly sat in the same spot ever since I moved to my home. I felt such a sense of pride when that room was totally cleaned.

 And I come back again. My once a year cleaning spree. What is it with us ADHD’ers that we do this? Why can’t we just keep our homes clean and be done with it?

 I think we are among many, as this site gives us women ADHD’ers tips on how to clean. I had to laugh with point #10. It’s no fun to put it away where it belongs! 😉

 I’d like to know how the rest of you clean and better yet, maintain that cleanliness once your deep clean is over with. Trust me, I’d love to know!

 

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