Monthly Archives: March 2012

Accepting who I am-and liking it….

 I got to thinking today after listening to this that they make a good point.

 How about accepting who I am, faults and all? How about accepting that I’m that incredibly intelligent person that others tell me I am, yet  have to do things differently in order to succeed?

 Wow. Really? I can learn to accept this and live a fruitful, successful life with incredible purpose?

 I think that being accepting of this, yet not making excuses for it, can help me move forward. I’ve wanted to believe that this was all just a “fad diagnosis.” Oh, I’ve wanted to believe it so badly.  

 My family has also tried telling me that I’m just fine and need to buckle down. I even let my mother read my ADHD testing paperwork once done and she still didn’t believe it. She has no problem classifying my dad this though! Another family member also said to me, “(Snicker) DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT ADHD IS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT STANDS FOR? YOU’RE NOT HYPERACTIVE!”

 (I’m not, Ms. Snickerer. It’s ADHD, Inattentive type.)

 I wanted to believe them so badly. I wanted to be like everyone else! I’m not though, which is okay!

 This was such a good podcast which helped me to see that I am okay, ADHD and all. I am different, and that’s okay. I work differently, which is okay also! I get it done, but have to go about it differently.

 Accepting that I’m different doesn’t mean justifying my disorganization or anything else. It means coming to terms with who I am. It means learning to do things differently to succeed in this world.

 So, I just want to say thank you to Jennifer and Rob for this podcast. It’s good to realize that I’m okay, yet different.

 It’s good to start accepting that.

 

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That good ol’ overwhelmed feeling

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I felt like this today. I’ve been thinking of a lot lately and it just all led to a moment of overwhelm. OhdearLord, overwhelm central.

 I’m getting nervous about my job situation, even though I’m working freelance jobs. I’m getting nervous about my money situation. I needed to tell my parents no today about something.

  My poor elderly father talked for a few hours straight. I mean it was a few hours. I also thought about a family member who’s going to visit who I honestly don’t want to see. I had to say no, I won’t be there when she comes. Then a sweet friend of mine who just got out of the hospital called and also did not stop talking for a half an hour. I didn’t want to hear another voice today after that.

 I could feel my shoulders tensing up after I got off the phone with my friend. I had to stop. I had to take a breather and just chill.

 And so, here I sit. I’m doing my work late at night due to having to take a breather and chill out. Why is it that I got so overwhelmed about these things? I mean, I truly did not want to hear another voice after both of them got done talking.

 The sad thing is that it’s a natural part of life. Parents get older. Parents also generally like to talk to their children. Friends have issues. Friends talk.

 They talked a lot today though! And I had enough.

 I’d love to know what others do to handle overwhelming days. How can I and others learn how to cope better when they come?

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Consistency, consistency, consistency

 I’ll admit that I’ve been a little depressed since quitting my job. I’m questioning and realizing some truths, which is so damn depressing sometimes.

 A commentor yesterday on another of my posts  made a good point. Trying again and again isn’t just part of ADHD, it’s a fact of life. We have to get up. We have to get out there. 

 He’s right. We have to be who God made us to be.  

 Have I consistently tried to be who God wants me to be? Hah. I mean, I’ll try for a little bit, get bored and simply subsist. Then I’ll get depressed and go back to subsisting. 

 Simply existing is sad. There’s no joy in that.  

 This is due to a lot of reasons, which I won’t get into. I think this wouldn’t have been an issue if I had developed good habits when I was younger- to be persistent and not give in when life throws you curve balls. Life is life though and I’m having to learn at 37 that you have to keep trying.

 I think I’m only realizing now that I have to stay vigilant in an effort to be consistent in reaching my goals. It didn’t help matters much to read this, because I was blaming  this stupid disorder and wanted to relegate myself to defeat; that I’ll simply be forced to live in a state of “blah-ness” due to ADHD.

 Then I thought about it again. Yes, stress makes ADHD worse. Yes, I have an issue with consistency and follow through. Yes, I can justify my behavior.

 What can I do about it though?

 Look at the world around us. Many ADHD’ers are successful. Many lead wonderfully fulfilling lives. If an ADHD’er can be the founder of Jet Blue and Kinko’s, what can’t I do?

 I know I have a problem and I’ll have to find solutions to it. I’ll also have to be consistent in order to reach goals. (which means continuing to take medication) It’s an epihany that I wish I would have reached when I was younger, but hey, at least I get it now.

  This is also the first time accepting that I have a problem. A disorder. I know, I know. I’ve known for 11 years that I’ve had an issue and only see it now?

 Yes.

 I think that accepting it can bring healing. Yes, I’m grieving it, but it brings peace once the grieving is over.  Acceptance means not simply existing again. It’s finding solutions to handle problems that may arise. It’s being creative. It’s being me.

 It’s living my life.

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Oh good, I’m not a TOTAL nutball….

 

I got to thinking recently about stressful situations and how they impact my ADHD. I mean, of course they don’t help anyone, but is it ten times worse for us ADHD’ers?

 It helped to read this, which showed that the best thing we can do for ourselves is stay out of a stressful situation. Hooo yeah. I’m living proof of that one!

 I mean, I know it’s not always possible to avoid a stressful situation. Heck, I’ve got elderly parents and they can be difficult at times. I know though that I can’t avoid them. There’s also another family situation that I won’t get into that probably won’t end well. I’ve stepped back from that in a way, but I can’t leave it completely.

 I can make choices though to handle these situations differently. How, you ask? Read below.

 What the heck can you do though to manage stressful situations before they spiral out of control? Here are some ideas I’m going to try:

  • Learn to trust my instinct: Yesterday’s post showed me something. Even though the proprietor of this blog is a wonderful person, I had a feeling the first time I read it that I should just stay away. Did I trust my instinct? Nope. If you get the feeling that a situation is bad, walk away.
  • Take your medication! I think that’s the most important, yet difficult thing an ADHD’er can do. I know that I personally have fallen off the bandwagon, thinking I can do it myself. Sadly enough though, I need the help.
  • Set boundaries: I know the boundary I discussed in my last post is extreme, but I felt it was needed in order to protect me and my impulsivity. Are there other boundaries you need to set in order to manage a stressful situation?
  • Admit you’re human: We ADHD’ers are human. We are awesomely smart, yet we mess up at times. That’s okay. Move on. Another day is coming. It will be all right.

 I’d love to know what other ADHD’ers do to take charge and take control of a stressful situation.

  Comment away, please.

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No more, no more, no more!

 We ADHD’ers can get caught up in some serious stuff without even knowing it. I have many times before and almost did again last night. That is, before I caught myself and set a boundary-a permanent one.

 As a freelance reporter, I’ve got to be all objective n’ such. What fun is that? There’s a local political blog that is doing fantastic work, but it’s also a great time waster for me-and a possible embarrasser if I were to comment on there. This blog is incredibly creative, yet is also insulting as hell at the same time. Oh yeah, and did I mention the objectivity thing? I shouldn’t comment, should I?

 I did comment on there before getting the freelance job at the major paper in my area. I was tempted to do so again last night because I was disgusted. A blog commentor insulted someone’s Asian wife by calling her a mail order bride. He of course fought back and no one denounced the racial insult towards this man-including the blog proprietors. I wanted to leave a comment so. badly.

 I have friends who are Hispanic. I have friends who are African American. If you were to call one of my friends a “wetback” or a “nigger,” I’d be livid. Hell, I was livid last night. I wanted to leave a polite, yet stern comment denouncing this behavior. I knew I shouldn’t though, so I think I did something better.

 I was able to block the Web site so that I can’t comment or even look at the site again. I don’t want to even be tempted to go there again. I don’t want to know. I don’t care to know.

 Ignorance=bliss so that I don’t make an ass out of myself.

 I know that if I had commented, I would have been livid. I would have probably also said something that I would have regretted. I’ve done that enough in my life. I’m sick of the impulsivity of this disease. I think I conquered it slightly last night though. Yay.

 So I stopped myself from making an ass out of myself. I’d love to know what fellow ADHD’ers do to control their impulsivity also.

 Do you all need to set such tight boundaries as I did? Let me know.

 

 

 

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Ya gotta have friendship

Don't worry, they're not praying over her wrist 🙂

 Friendship. Great for all, desperation sometimes for us ADHD’ers.

 Don’t get me wrong, I have friends. As of today, I also have 278 Facebook friends. You’d think I was a partyin’ soul at that point!

 I think we ADHD’ers are so kind that people gravitate to us-including those you want to just get the hell away from you.

 I got to thinking about that when I started taking Desoxyn almost a year ago. A friend of mine called one day and I could not believe how annoying she was! She would not shut up! And I didn’t notice that before getting on meds?

 Sadly, no.

 I think that we ADHD’ers are happy to get whatever friends we can. We’re happy to get the heck out of the house and talk to someone every once in awhile-even if they may get on our nerves.  I know that I’ve personally taken an attitude where I’m silent all the time due to saying inappropriate things in the past. I’m polite to a fault sometimes.

 I can tell you stories of how I’ve put up with people over the years just to have someone to do something with-or to have a roommate. You end up retreating when you simply put up with people instead of enjoy their company.

 Granted, I do have meaningful friendships though. I have long-term friends who bring joy and meaning to my life- that I’ll happily spend time with. It’d be nice to have more of them though.

 It’s funny how following a to-do list makes me see that I really have a lot of spare time and need to fill it with activities. What to do now is the question.

 Here’s to the journey of finding out!

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If at first you don’t succeed, you’re probably ADHD….

 I got to thinking about an ex-boyfriend today. It wasn’t a romantic nostalgia trip. He was right though.

 M was probably ADHD himself and was trying to cheer me up. I met him at my internship right before college graduation. I sucked at that internship, which was when I got my first clue that I possibly had a problem.

 M didn’t care though. He personally had the experience of getting fired from his first real job out of college. He tried again and got another position in the same field. He moved on a few years later to another better position in the same field.

 I had to keep trying, he said. No excuses.

 I really didn’t try. I felt bad. I was depressed. Maybe God didn’t want me in this field?

 And so, I flittered around all these years without direction. That is, until this past year.

 It sucks to keep trying. The mental energy is unbelievable. I have to try again though.

 I thought about those wise words of advice given to me now almost 14 years ago as I sent an email out today asking  an editor at another major newspaper if they possibly need freelancers. It can’t hurt to try, I figured.

 I haven’t heard back yet and maybe I won’t. I just needed to try.

( I still feel bad that I screwed up so majorly, by the way. It got me a little depressed.)

 I’m also going to join the alumni chapter of my school that’s for people of my major. Can’t hurt, I figure, since I’ve heard that getting a job is all about who you know. I’ll also fix up my Linkedin profile.

 What’s that? You say trying again isn’t all that bad?

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Me typical?

 There are just those days where you feel happy-happy that someone understands you. Today was one of those days.

 I wanted to kiss the doctor when I went today for my med check. I discussed with him that a former neighbor had told me that she felt I had a lot of highs and lows. She didn’t expand upon that, nor did I ask her to, but she said it. I’ll admit that I’ve been curious myself if I’m bipolar.

 I told him about how a friend has said before that sometimes I sound “wired.” I’ve job hopped more than I care to. I do say inappropriate things sometimes-more often than I care to, actually. My thoughts do go in all different directions…..

 “You seem like classic ADHD to me,” he answered. “ADHD people do sound as if they’re wired. They’re constantly job hopping due to blurting things out. This is classic ADHD.”

 My previous doctor had said that bipolar disorder is grossly overdiagnosed today, that very often these newly diagnosed bipolar patients are severely ADHD. He felt that bipolar disorder is rare and that the spike of diagnoses in recent years was a sham. There may be a point to that, in my opinion.

 Please don’t think that I’m discounting those who have bipolar disorder. A friend’s wife has Bipolar 1, and that is something. She won’t sleep for a week if she’s nervous. She’ll go on a manic creating binge. I love her dearly, but I cringe when she’s in that mood.

 I like my sleep. It’s incredibly rare that I’d be up all night. I like crafting-if I can afford to do it. I’m not her.

 So, anyway, I’m not bipolar. I’m just classically ADHD.

 And typical. Did I mention typical? 🙂

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Getting on with my life…

 As friends and cousins got married and began having babies, I whined.

 I was jealous, of course. I wanted that and didn’t have a man to do either with!

 A boyfriend told me when I got out of college that I couldn’t give up on what I wanted in life. He felt I was giving up too easily. He’s right. It was hard. I was tired due to being depressed over things I’d rather not get into. I just had to survive and lean on a higher power-God.

 I did that, but I still whined. 🙂 I whined to friends and others, who told me that when my life is in order, things will fall into place. A dear friend of mine proved that to me. She had told me for years that all she wanted was a nice husband of her nationality and kids. A job that she loved would be cool also. Like me, she’s a believer. She knew that God had a purpose for her.

 Her sister died and she received guardianship of her niece. She got her wish to become a parent. She got a sales job that she did well at. She met her future husband at work. They’re raising his children.

 Funny how things work out when we’re happy.

 I’ve been dating more this past year, which is something I’ve really struggled with for awhile. I think I’ve been dating more because I started to have a path in my life. I was happy, and others saw that also.

 I think I felt before that I had nothing constructive to contribute to a relationship, since I wasn’t following a career path. Sad to say, but honestly, it’s true. I hated just having jobs and getting by. It obviously showed in my life.

 And that is sad to admit. It’s sad to admit that my ADHD has slowed down my life due to many factors-an unwillingness to accept it, doctors simply calling it depression and making choices to not fight through it.

 It has shown in my life. It has slowed me down. It almost isolated me.

 I’m done with that.

 I thought about this today as one of my cousins is having her baby. I’m excited for her as she begins this new chapter, because I’d like it to be my chapter also.

 Life-the life I desire-is going to take some hard work. Like my friend, it may end up not being exactly what I desired, but it will be worth it.

 Time to start working on my personal life also.

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Da plan…

 So it has now been 3 weeks since I did the stupidest thing imaginable and quit my job.

 The psychiatrist told that once I felt better to start making a plan on how to move forward. I’ve not come up with a solid plan, but have come up with a few things that I know I need to do in order to move forward:

  • I need to keep freelance writing to have my name out there. I freelance for 1 site and will do some work for another one again. I need to keep on doing that to not have gaps in my resume.
  • I would love to learn more about public relations and in some way, get a job utilizing those skills, plus the journalism skills I already have. I just started following a PR wire service blog that is really fascinating to me. I enjoy reading it because I feel as if I’m learning something every time I have the chance to read it.  The funny thing is, I thought that I should emphasize in PR when I was in college and moved to journalism instead. Why did I change? Lack of self-esteem probably due to my ADHD. Sad, but true.
  • I’ve noticed while scanning job ads that it’s awesome to have PR and journalism skills, but without knowing Web design skills, good luck getting hired. I need to learn Web design. A friend of mine who runs a Web design business told me what books to buy to teach myself.
  • I realize that I probably can succeed the best running my own business. A psychiatrist told me once that we ADHD’ers are better off in business for ourselves-and I think he was probably right. I had an idea ages ago about a business idea that I personally believe could work. I need to think about it and figure it out though.  
  • And finally, I need to lose weight. I know you’re probably thinking “???,” but it does apply. I don’t even want to tell you how much weight I’ve gained since I stopped the Desoxyn cold turkey. (Dumb, dumb me! And why didn’t the doctor tell me it’s also prescribed as an appetite suppressant?) Society is cruel though, and I know it will stop me from achieving my career goals if I don’t take this weight off.

 I know it’s not a solid plan yet. (Or is it?) I think it’s good that I’m at least thinking about the right direction to go in, whereas off the medication, I may have a thought here and there.

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