Monthly Archives: September 2011

anxiety on overdrive, take ten!

 

 I did a very stupid thing recently related to work that was due to my ADD, and when I was alerted to it, my anxiety went into overdrive. I handled it so poorly that I think I looked like a nut case. We’ll see though.

 I don’t know if I’m naive, was lacking some inert instinct or a combination of both. I commented on a blog, when I know darned well for my job that I can’t. Basically, the Web sites I freelance for were not too happy with me.  

 And I assumed things I shouldn’t have. Sigh…. I kick myself for this behavior. I want to not repeat it again, but know I probably will. It’s interesting to find this about naivete and ADHD. This is also intriguing. I guess it is common in people with ADHD. I’m not alone.

 Lesson learned, I guess. I also need to be careful.

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saying stupid stuff is now on overdrive :(

 

 Boo to the blabbing monster going into overdrive. Boooo!!!

 I went into a talking overdrive recently due to all the family stress and unnecessary feeding of the ADHD by associating with people who are also affected with this funness, and guess who spoke with me today? Yep, the boss.

 Insert sad face. 😦

 I’m a freelance writer doing work in the office of a newspaper in my area and know this is excellent for my resume. Talking myself out of a good experience isn’t though. When will my stupidity ever end?

 What happened was that he sat down at my desk one day and simply said out of the blue that anything that gets said in the newsroom doesn’t leave it, understand? He sensed that I was a talker and just wanted to tell me this now. In the beginning.

 Uuuugh.

 I know that the excessive talking monster reared its ugly head due to stress. I know it. However, stress is a fact of life. People are a fact of life. Neither can unfortunately be avoided. I think the question I should ask myself  instead is how do I conquer it?

 I’ve read various Web sites on the matter and think this is good-when medicated. This is helpful, to a point. I like saying “give me a moment to think about that,” which also ties in to the first article. Don’t be too quick to add in information is just too general for us ADDers though. I guess it ties in to saying give me a moment though.

 I guess I can look on the bright side of it though. I realized that stress contributes a big part into helping the blabbing monster rear its ugly head. I also realized that certain people feed into my ADHD and severed ties with that person. I guess medication does indeed help, in some ways?

family updates

 And so, the family joy continues to be spread!

 As I’ve previously mentioned, the family stress these past few weeks has been nuts, to put it mildly. My dad needs bypass surgery and refuses it. My sister has hit the edge and will soon go over it.

 As for my dad, a cousin of his called me last week and told me to accept his decision and also respect it. I’m trying but know the end result, which makes me very sad. We’ll see what happens.

 And my sister…. Is it drugs?  That could be very possible. I also wondered about bipolar disorder though. Her next door neighbor thinks that she has it also. My parents recently went to visit her and said she has packed on the pounds like crazy. She was agitated also. The funny thing is that she would always get on me for going to therapy and getting medication when I first began my quest to understand my ADD.

 I tried talking to my sister. I said that as an ADD’er, I see that she needs help. I know that she’s on meds, but what about therapy?

 She refuses to speak with me now.

 I’m frustrated but I now realize it’s all out of my power. I leave it in God’s hands, where it belongs.

 Sigh….

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stress and me=blurt gremlin

 I hate stress. It gives me the blurts.

 Yes, it’s blurt gremlin time again. 😦 Why can’t it ever go away?

 This is what I hate about ADD medication. I’m good for about a month on it and then, “the burst” wears off and I’m back to this again-the blurt gremlin with impulsivity issues.

 I’ve been stressed out lately due to the family issues I’ve mentioned, and I think it’s helping the blurt gremlin come on full force. I’ve been doing stupid things as a result, including something recently that was just a doozy. It was blurt gremlin central for me. You would not believe it. Ohhhh, it was bad. It was so bad that I’m trying to think if I have ever been so stupid in my entire life.

 My appointment with the psychiatrist is this Thursday. I’m going to ask him about stress and the ADDer. We’re not good in the slightest at handling it. I wonder if that causes me to feel as if the meds aren’t working as well? Just a thought, but I wonder. I’m also going to ask about  the realistic long-term effectiveness of medication. I want to realistically know whether I’ll be playing this dance for a long time, or if we just need to search and search for the right medication.

 I would love to know once and for all.

 

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hello anxiety, now go away…..

 My anxiety has been through the roof lately due to the family issues I’ve mentioned. It began to pique this past Saturday though when I had someone contact me for work that I didn’t feel was completely honest with me. I put a weird, anxiety-laced status on Facebook that night that was just stupid after hearing something else work related. I realized my stupidity the next day and deleted the status. And I hit the limit yesterday.

 The person contacting me for work whom I didn’t feel was honest helped me to assume something yesterday that was way off base. I thought about the anixety after venting to a friend about this person, who let me know that, um, my sister and I were probably going to share the same room if I didn’t calm down soon. I thought about how embarrassing this conversation was and thought about my anxiety and realized that the work contact was contributing to it all. So, I put a stop to certain things.

 This person had left me an email about something that day, so I replied and added that I would like to ask him to do something for me. I put boundaries on our communication. I had to know a few things if we were to continue working together. End of subject. If he was unwilling to honor my request, I would sever communication.

 My request was honored. I feel more comfortable with him. I verified that indeed he had been telling the truth all along but was vague about other things due to reasons that I understand. I calmed down almost immediately.

 So, I obviously need to discuss this with the psychiatrist at my next visit. I can’t continue to act like this for obvious reasons.  The doctor had mentioned at my second visit that Desoxyn was the least anxiety-inducing ADD meds and put me on it specifically because of that. He had also mentioned that I may need Prozac but was hesitant to put me on it due to my weight problem and the possible weight gain side effect of the medication. I am losing weight but am still pretty big, which is why the doctor was hesitant to contribute to my weight problem in any way, shape or form. I respect him for that, but if I need it, I need it.

 I have been told that exercise is a great anxiety reducer and is almost as effective as anti-anxiety medication. So, it looks like I need to begin a program pronto and see if that helps. Hope I can be consistent with a program now that I’m on ADD meds.

 I’ll admit that I was on Abilify for awhile and when I told the doctor that, he simply said, “interesting” but made a note in case he needs to put me on it again. I told him that I felt like I had a clear brain while on Abilify. I literally felt that I had a clear brain when I started that medication. I wasn’t constantly thinking. A psychologist told me once that he felt that it probably did a great job treating the anxiety, hence the reason why I felt that way. The psychiatrist told me that Abilify may cancel out the effectiveness of the ADD meds though if I get back on it again. Plus, he mentioned the weight gain side effect possibility. (Yeah…I remember the doctor who put me on Abilify cringing when she mentioned the obvious weight gain after I started taking it.) I can’t have constant episodes like this though. If I need it again, I need it.  

A neighbor and I were chatting yesterday about the crap going on in my family and said something that made me cringe. She mentioned that I really had a lot of highs and lows. I jokingly said back that yeah, I need some good medication for that. No response from her. 😦 A former boyfriend once mentioned that my moods were hard to handle. (Honestly though, I can now see that if I were honest with him, I probably wouldn’t have acted the way I did. That’s my opinion, at least.) Pattern?  

 I do have one positive thing to report though about how I quelched at least some anxiety yesterday at work. I’ve noticed that I ask more questions on the ADD meds, which is good. I noticed that an article I wrote was in the briefs section, so I sent an email to the editor while she was at lunch saying that I noticed that a snippet of the article I wrote is in the briefs section of the daily paper. Does this mean it’s not going to run? Oh no, she said. It will run in the weekly paper, but she felt that it would be good to include something in the daily paper as well. Ohhhh. Problem solved. Anxiety quelled. Potential depression averted. (I know that probably sounded weird to ask her, but I honestly didn’t know. I would have probably had worse anxiety yesterday had I not asked.)

 So, reality is being faced in the fight against anxiety. I do believe it’s anxiety and not bipolar disorder. I think….. I may need medication for that also, and that’s fine. I’ll try exercise first though and see if that helps. If not, I’ll have to accept the facts and get the medication.

 And that’s okay. If it helps the anxiety to leave, that’s okay.

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FINALLY….

 And the light finally came on.

 I’ve mentioned my sister in previous posts. I’ve mentioned her cruel behavior towards me, I’ve mentioned the family ignorance, the pain I’ve felt due to the cruelty of her behavior towards me-and the family laughing right along with her and not accepting that this person seriously needs some help.

 They finally accepted it.

 She’s having visual hallucinations of rats and fleas and beehives now. I personally wonder what drugs she took to get them. Someone told me that coming off speed can produce that My dad knew it was a tale and I did also, but not my mother. She believed her! She said to me the other day that she and my dad were going to visit her this weekend to find her a new place to live to escape the rats. She wanted me to come along, but I said no way. The denial from my mother at that moment was disgusting. I said the words gigantic fucking problem to my dad when we left to go to lunch, and he nodded his head. He knew. Not Mom though.

 Until now.

 Reality hit her in the head last night like a brick. My sister called her and screamed. My mom called my sister’s next door neighbor twice yesterday; the first time the neighbor was coy with my mom and said she is just so stressed. (the eye roll is coming RIGHT. NOW…..) Honesty came out during the second conversation. I guess she has even mentioned rat sightings to the neighbor my mom spoke to. Another neighbor said my sister is also hallucinating about beehives. She has exhibited some other behavior in front of the woman my mom spoke to that makes her think she’s bipolar. I’ve always thought that myself. I’m thinking dual diagnosis.

 And I got angry over this a few nights ago. I was angry that no one listened to me until now about her. I’m angry that I’ve been ignored and that my sister has had this weird sense of power in the family-until now. I remember, for example, the time I was 12 and first smelled cigarette smoke in the house, which was odd for us. My Nana smoked herself to death, so I knew the smell of cigarettes. But what does my sister say? I am crazy and cigarettes, what cigarettes?  A normal person would have said uh huh, yeah, way to avoid, kiddo. I had been conditioned to think by that point that I must be wrong about something if someone challenges me, even if my instinct was right. It took me a long time to learn to trust my instinct. A long time.

 I’m angry for the unhealthy duo of my mom and her. The conversations my mom has had with me due to my sister putting her up to it are amazing and make me sick.  What kind of a sickness is that to not do what’s right for your child and stop mollycoddling insanity?! My mother and her relationship is insane.

 I’m also angry that my parents won’t take the necessary steps to do what every parent should-help their kid when necesssary. They are of a time where you didn’t visit the psychologist’s. You just didn’t. Still though, when you see your child suffering, don’t you want to take steps to help them no matter what? I personally think they are afraid to stand up and do what’s right. They are afraid of my sister saying she doesn’t love them or other bullshit. They are afraid to help their children. They always have been.

 I guess this goes back to my issues now. I was never as bad as my sister, but I knew I needed help. I was told I was a dramatist. I was told to snap out of it. To stop crying all the time. To just not be lazy. Did they see it and not know or did they just not want to see it at all? I’m fortunate that I was able to stand up and say I need help and get it myself. I guess it just saddens me that I see someone who desperately needs help, and they don’t want to hurt her witty bitty feelings because she might yell. God forbid that she yells!

 My sister won’t voluntarily accept help. I can see it now. There will have to be a 5150 hold. I don’t know if it will happen though. Will my parents reach past the denial?

 We’ll see.

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I’m going to say something……..

 You know when there are just those moments that you want to scream at someone but know you shouldn’t even though it would make you feel better? Yeah, I had one of those moments today. Why, you ask?

 I am having that fun monthly time, but that’s not it. Nope. It’s not me. Not at all……

 Logic kicked in today before I made the drive to the pharmacy by the psychiatrist’s to fill the Desoxyn prescription. Yes, I actually called them first to see if they had enough quantity for what I need before making an unnecessary drive. (Shock!!!) The man who answered the phone was polite and asked if I ever had a prescription filled at their pharmacy before. Why yes I have! He got my name and asked once I came up in the system if I was going to be filling a prescription for Desoxyn again. Why yes I will be! Will it be for the generic Desoxyn again, he asked? Why yes, it will be! My insurance will only pay for generic Desoxyn. Funny you should ask too, nice man at the pharmacy…..

 I say this because I called the same pharmacy last month while temporarily uninsured to ask how much the Desoxyn would be without insurance. I think I let out a scream when the woman who answered told me how much the name brand cost without insurance-over $1,200! (And people wonder why the uninsured don’t get mental health treatment….) I asked how much the generic would cost, and I got a curt response from the woman.

 “One manufacturer of Desoxyn, one price.”

 I think I told her that I had just gotten generic the month before on my insurance and got the same response. One manufacturer, one price.

 I knew I was being lied to but hung up with her and called the psychiatrist’s and asked for samples to tide me over or a prescription for cheaper meds. I got the latter, even though the doctor’s assistant even questioned that the generic Desoxyn would be the same price. Now that I know I was lied to, I’m going to nicely speak to someone when I pick up the meds on Monday (They are ordering the generic for me and it will arrive Monday morning.) because I do not appreciate being lied to. I don’t want to start a fight with anyone, but I also don’t feel that this behavior is appropriate either and will let them know in a nice way that this doesn’t fly with me. Was I lied to because I was temporarily uninsured and the pharmacy in the nice area didn’t want to deal with some perceived low-life uninsured person? I guess I’ll find out!

 I normally go to the Walgreens by me for all my medications and they have been great. They in fact were awesome during that time and signed me up for a discount card that saved me on prescriptions that day and I hope it will be useful again at some point. I thought the other pharmacy was good because they had the stock of the Desoxyn on hand, whereas Walgreens told me that they’d have to order it and it would take something like 5 days to get in. I’ll obviously go back to Walgreens for everything from now on but want an answer from the other pharmacy on Monday after I pay for the medication. (I’m not stupid…. I’ll complain after I pay my $10 copay because I want the medication, obviously, and I also want to make a point.) I don’t want to fight with anyone, but I also don’t want them to think that they can get away with that BS again.

 To be continued…. Has anyone else had these problems with the pharmacy when picking up meds?

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almost…..

 I’m almost there again!

 I got paid, therefore I got my Concerta today. The pharmacy by me didn’t have enough of the Desoxyn that I need, so I’ll go to the pharmacy by the psychiatrist’s tomorrow to get that since they always have enough stock of what the doctor calls his “exotics.”

 It’s just so funny how being on medication profusely affects me and also being off medication affects me profusely also. Yes, medication does indeed work! The blurt gremlin is slightly contained right now. I just did my dishes. A to-do list is going to be done in one second.

 I started in this week as a freelancer at the major paper in my area, so I definitely need the meds to keep this as long as I possibly can. The head editor was telling me today that realistically, this paper has a perilous budget and I could be gone tomorrow if he gets told that his budget for freelancers is cut. He doubts that will happen, but he wanted to warn me just in case it does. (I know. The person who helped me get in here has told me about the layoffs recently at this former Pulitzer prize winning paper. I’m doing this for the experience.) The editor told me that I am better than another freelance writer at finding article ideas, so I know that I need to be good at what he sees- and also be good at following through with them-consistency! Hence, I need the medication.

 It’s good to be almost there again.  Hopefully I’ll say one-hundred percent after picking up tomorrow’s medication.

 Fingers crossed!

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