Monthly Archives: August 2011

deadlines

 And so, I’m having a deadline issue once again. Sigh……..

  I will be soooo glad to get on Desoxyn again after seeing the psychiatrist in less than a week. The cheaper medication is okay, but I don’t think it’s effective for me and I really think it’s affecting how I handle my workload.

Sigh…. It’s never ending with us ADDers and work deadlines. I’ve been researching this big ol’ issue also and found that I am so not alone. I’m wondering if there’s a program to shut off Facebook for 8 hours. Seriously!

 I have two freelance writing assignments for a newspaper-one is way past due while the other is due Monday.  They haven’t said anything about the one that’s way past due, but I know it looks bad. And it somewhat makes me want to cry. I can get them both done Monday morning, but it just doesn’t look good.

 I know that newspapers are going by the wayside and all that, but really, it doesn’t look good at all. I need this experience. I need it badly.  I think I could be doing this for some subconscious reason because of past experience, but I know it’s part friggin’ anxiety I’ve been under this past week, part cheap meds, part ADD. All of that together just blows big time.

 I just hope that getting back on Desoxyn helps me stay better focused and have me not wanting to kick myself for missing deadlines.

 I hope……..

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Aaaahhh……

 I can breathe. My insurance application got approved.

 Aaaaahhhhhhhh………………

 So now, I just have to avoid having a heart attack, stroke, or being hit by a car for another week, and I’ll be in the clear. That or any other doctor’s necessity, hold off for nine days, please. 🙂

 

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avoiding………

 I have 4 things to get done for work and here I sit, blogging about something that won’t help me pay the bills.

 Judging by my time tracker, Toggl, it looks like I’ve worked for roughly 2 hours today.

 It’s gonna be a long night………

 Things have gotten better since I’ve started taking meds. There’s no doubt of that. I’m now calendarizing. I’m starting to get a handle on finances. My impulsive eating has gone down dramatically, along with my weight.

 But, I still avoid. Whether it be tense situations or work that needs to get done, I avoid.

 I obviously avoid tense situations because I don’t want to deal with them. I think that growing up with my family helped me learn this, because whenever I’d confront a tense situation growing up, my sister would turn it into something else and be mean. I always think that the same thing will happen again when I confront. Of course I don’t want that.

 I got to thinking about this recently because I’ve been avoiding someone on Facebook. I can’t have a moment’s peace whenever he logs in while I’m online. He will start chatting and say that he has to tell me something that’s too long to type out, can he call me? If I’m bored I’ll say what the hell and talk to him and cut him off after 7 minutes. (Trust me, it’s not major news the majority of the time. I think he only had major news once. He could seriously type anything out that he needs to tell me.) Really though, even though he is the nicest person who would take the shirt off his own back to help you, he bores me to tears when he starts talking. He’s also a persistent bugger who you have to tell no to over and over again for him to get it. I had to be firm with him once when I told him no, we can’t talk, because I was posting my freelance writing on Facebook and was having problems getting it to post. I honestly didn’t feel like talking to him in between. I heard my phone ring and instinctively knew. I sent him a message on Facebook chat saying no once again, we’re not talking and don’t do that again. He stopped.  He recently pulled almost the same thing again when I logged into Facebook and turned off chat when I saw him. He calls me probably no more than a few minutes later and I don’t answer. I log back into Facebook again a few hours later and there he is! I turn off chat and there he calls again! Oh I picked up the phone, all right, and let him know in a forceful tone that I was busy. He nearly had a panic attack on the phone and profusely apologized. I know he’s a good guy, but sheesh.  He ironically told me once when I was avoiding an annoying guy (pattern? LOL) that I needed to be straight up with him because men don’t get beating around the bush, which is true, but really, do you have to say things to some people that’s right in front of their faces? I know he’d accept honesty and firmness if I could get the balls to be firm, but I just don’t have the heart. I like Facebook chat though and don’t feel like I should avoid him any longer. My dad once told me that I’m now great at being firm with my family (when I want to be). Why doesn’t that translate to others outside my family?

 And work…. I have two things due tomorrow and three other things that don’t have a deadline but need to get done. I basically have one non-deadline item  done but have to slightly tweak it, one thing I have to get an extra item for and the other I’ll do after the first item gets accepted. As for the deadline items, I’ve started working on the first one and haven’t started in on the second. I have to make calls tomorrow morning on the thing I’ve started working on because I need to track down a person who was supposed to call me back with information by today at the latest. I’ll also need to drive somewhere not too far away for it also. I can crank that sucker out though once I get all that I need. I’ll have to make calls early in the morning for the second item and put that together quick style. The sad thing is that I should have been cranking all of this out today. Yes, today. And what have I done, you wonder? I’ve really just gotten stuff done-and did the ADD shuffle. Today it involved my calendar and went like this: I realized that my calendar has fallen behind my big heavy honkin’ desk, attempted to move my big heavy honkin desk to get my calendar,  gave up because it’s too heavy to move by myself, realized that I need a calendar to track my life and found a cute free online printable calendar site and printed two months out, and spent close to an hour recalling what needs to be on the calendar(s). It’s funny in a sad sort of way…..

 As far as work is concerned, I wonder if I’m overwhelmed again and putting it off because of that. I wonder if I’m distracted (like now). I wonder if it’s my psyche setting me up for failure. I could go on and on about this but wonder nonetheless. I’ve also been online trying to justify this by saying that it’s my ADD only. I know it’s not, but it’s a part of it.

 You don’t want to know how long I’ve been researching for this post and writing it-and editing it. Really, you don’t.

 I know I’ll have good days and bad as I work to overcome this, but can I have more good than bad?

 Can I?

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where I am now career wise

 When I think of where I came from and where I am now, I am happy.

  I’m proud, actually. It’s pretty unbelievable when you consider that three years ago, I was being laid off from my receptionist/make her do everything else also job to now freelance writing and being well known and respected in my little neck of the woods. To say I’m proud would be the understatement of the year.

 It didn’t come easy when I got out of college. I was a Communications major, Journalism emphasis and had to complete an internship at a local paper where my ADD shined through. I reported to two women editors who were bitches with a captial B. One of them was going through a divorce at the time, so to say that she was unpleasant to work with was the understatement of the year. I could not believe it when the other one told me once that she didn’t get out of journalism school-and wondered if I was lying about even going to college because I was doing such a lousy job. I really felt like saying a few words to her, but overly polite me didn’t. Weirdly enough though, I only knew how incredibly bad I was when I read the city editor’s written review of me given to the internship coordinator for my school. It was not good, to put it mildly. She actually wrote one review for me and the other for the school. My review was only slightly nicer and truly showed I was very ADD. Weirdly enough, I actually saved it for four years and threw it out when my therapist asked why on earth I was even keeping this. Toss it, burn it, but certainly don’t keep it, she said. She was right. It felt good to tear that sucker up.

  I did try for a few other reporting jobs at the major local paper by me after getting out of college.  (It’s ironically the same one that I’ll be doing contracting work for. Funny how time heals things.) Needless to say, I didn’t get past the interview stage because of the “blurt gremlin” lurking its evil head. (I could tell stories about the stupid things I said at those interviews!) Ironically enough, the very last interview I had with an editor there was none other than the now ex-husband of the editor at my internship! I remember him looking at my resume and saying that she was his ex-wife. My only thought was of my stomache churning because I knew that was it. Weirdly enough, I got the interview with him after doing a try-out article and being one of three choices for the job. He gave me a second try-out after that interview and walked to his phone. I knew who he was calling. I saw him walk over to the second editor who sat in on the interview after getting off the phone and whispered something as I got all the information for my second article. I knew that was it and didn’t have an interview there again.

 I did temp work after that for about a year. It was sporadic, yet filled a need income wise, obviously. I temped in the traffic department of a court house in a bad area at one point and was miserable because I was hanging out witb court clerks who were obviously in a different life position than me. What else is new when you temp?

 I then worked for my relatives wedding planning business. It was very kind of them to employ me, but I learned a little too much about my family tree, to put it mildly. My dad’s cousin loves to yell at his wife, and did so all day long. His wife takes it-and is also very ADD. She’s a brilliant woman who probably could not be employed in a regular environment and came up with a business plan that has worked well for her up to a point. She also could not teach anything to save her life. I had to laugh when I was later told by one of her employees that she hired a salesman who was very up front about his ADD and told her one time, “And how am I supposed to learn this? You are going too fast!” She would berate me near the end and I finally quit one day when she broke an air freshner and wanted me to fix it. You know, the cheapy ones that normal people just throw out? Nice me was fixing it-and got a cut from broken glass when she called me stupid. That was it. I was never so happy to quit a job as I was that day. We do speak now, but her business is failing fast.

 After quitting that job, I got my next job a few months later. I worked for a manufacturing company as their sales and marketing assistant. I was happy because I designed their company newsletter and other written communications, which they still used when the company was sold a few years after I was laid off. I had a kind yet weird boss though. He was the first boss I told about my ADD and he looked at me and said that since I was new on the job that he was expecting a learning curve. That’s it. He did make me bring a notepad though everytime I met with him after that. 🙂 I sat in the same area as the sexy receptionist who would go to two-hour lunches with him. She ended up quitting her job no more than two months after I got laid off because she was pregnant and lived an awful distance away from work. I seriously wondered if our boss was the babydaddy.

 I was shocked when I found my job at the escrow company a month later. A friend worked there and gave my name to the office manager who called me  for an interview. This was during the refi boom, so help was at a premium then. I should have sensed they were a little unusual when on the phone for the first time with the office manager and she let out a scream because someone burned popcorn. Strange, I thought, but what the hell? I’ll go on the interview, I said to myself.

 And I did. My boss, the owner, was a bastard during that interview. I sat in the reception area after the interview and when I was called back to be told I got the job, he let me know that if I screwed up that I would be out the door in no time flat. Yeah, I love you too…. He ended up growing on me, but really, what a sorry way to start your time at a company.

 It’s amazing that I stayed there almost seven years before the economy tanked and I got laid off. I started out as a receptionist, and the boss promoted me to escrow assistant four months later. I was very well liked by clients and the boss said he expected me to become an escrow officer. And I was put in a unit where the escrow officer expected me to go from 0-100 in no time. I mean IN. NO. TIME. Stress and I don’t go together too well, and organization and I don’t do so hot together either. Add these two things up, and they spell failure to an ADDer like me. I was demoted back to receptionist two months later due largely to my organization skills. And ironically, the boss gave me a nice raise when he demoted me.

 The other escrow assistants asked why, so I made up an excuse. I’m good at embellishing the truth. The boss told me to give it some time and he’d try again. Liar. He knew damn well that he would never do that. I honestly should have quit after that, but this was the best job stability I had in awhile and knew for resume’s sake that I needed to stay there and suffer for a little while. The pay was decent and the insurance was killer. He even started a 401K plan. Life was good! But I was miserable…..

 I saw the biggest idiots get promoted to office manager and when the boss promoted this lazy arse, I flipped and requested a meeting with him. He looked really mad when I was throwing my temper tantrum and told me that I was incredibly smart, but that he would never promote me again and why complain when I pay you so well?! It’s amazing that I valued job stability over my happiness.

 There were some incidents that happened to me at this place that were beyond reprehensible and nice me should have stuck up for myself, but of course I didn’t. One would be when I developed an infection in a tooth and had to get it pulled. Heaven forbid that I had to go back for a follow-up appointment! I was actually told that I was pushing it to want to leave on time to get to my appointment! Another time would be when I went to get my driver’s license renewed and I had to get my picture re-taken also. (GASP!!!!) I could not believe that the office manager flipped out and stepped into an office with my boss!

 “You’re coming right back, aren’t you?” he asked as he stepped out of the room.

 “Of course,” I said calmly. “It’s down the street and it’s 9 AM. What else do you want me to do?”

 I went.

 There was also another time when I had minor female surgery to remove something. I told them that since I had this done before (it grew back and also was in another spot) that I honestly expected to be out a day. No prob, they said. Well, the doctor did an outstanding job-and it was more intrusive than I thought. I could not sit up for a week. I was of course nervous as I called the office manager that evening and told her what was happening. Oh did she yell. I was calm though and ended up looking better than her in the end. What was I supposed to do? I can’t sit up, I kept repeating calmly. She did ask me how I was when I got back and tried to launch into a tirade again, but I just calmly asked what was I supposed to do when I couldn’t even sit up? She shut up.

 This place was a reality show waiting to happen. My boss ended up getting together with an employee who was married. Needless to say, the women working there hated her. One of the prima donnas with the world’s most irritating voice was mean as hell to her daughter when she began working there and once threw out her pot luck dish that had barely been touched. The boss brought in his son, who was nice to me but is honestly spoiled as hell. And they got far more training than me.

 I was so bored that bored couldn’t even begin to describe what working there was like. Even though I did get more responsibilities after throwing that temper tantrum, they were not enough to keep me going throughout the day. I really wasn’t thought of too highly though and things I’d come up with weren’t appreciated. The messenger log I made is an example of that. I could not believe that there was no log of when the messenger service would pick up deliveries to take to the title company. An escrow officer asked me once if I recalled a certain delivery being picked up during this stressful, busy time when deliveries were constant in the office. How the heck was I to remember deliveries from the previous day or the past week?! I invented a messenger service log after that. When I tried to talk up my necessary invention to the boss, he actually called it busy work!

 I began being passive-aggressive after that and would take days off on a whim and fake sickness. They all knew I was faking it, including the boss, but he never fired me. He once made mention of it when I got mad at him, but clients truly liked me. I personally think everyone there thought I was an idiot because I had been the receptionist for so long. I had job stability though! I traveled! I bought my car! Who cares if you’re miserable when you have steady income and are making far more than receptionists do?

 A little smile came over me when office manager #3 got laid off at the beginning of 2008. This woman was an idiot. I mean, stupid didn’t even begin to describe her. We would chat though about everything when the economy began to tank because we were both bored, and I did appreciate her letting me know when I’d be speaking too loudly.  She and I both had our hours cut probably six months prior, so it was no shock that he would let one of us go. She had seniority over me though, so I was dumbfounded that he let her go first. After all, I’m the non-promotable one……….

 I finally got let go in July 2008. I was doing some busy work when my boss said that he needed to talk to me and motioned me into the conference room. He apologized and said he was very sorry, but he was laying me off. I started to cry, but honestly, I did a little dance of joy right then and perked up and listened as he told me how he truly liked me, but that times were bad and he was making cuts again. Would he be a reference for me, I asked? Absolutely. He gave me a hug and wished me well.

 I was searching for jobs online three months later when I found the first Web site I began freelancing for. Not much experience required? I’m so there! I doubted anything would happen though. I was shocked when I got a call from someone at that Web site inviting me aboard and giving me the city I live in as my beat. I am so grateful too. I was truly doing what I set out to major in! I met so many great people.

 And then, my former boss called me the day Obama was inaugurated and asked me to come back temporarily, he said. I needed the money, so I was excited. I could not stand it after a week though and made up a lie to get out of there. I was past done!

 And I did more freelancing and met more people and really began to get to know the city I lived in. I also got temp jobs, including one at a foreclosure company that lasted a year. That felt good to be in that temp job because I had knowledge of the lingo and was productive. I ended up making too many mistakes though. My boss was sweet, and I told her about my ADD and she worked with me. The mistakes were still bad though. It was over.

 I got another temp job a month later at a title company in the recording department. I learned a lot but could not be happier when the work load tanked and we got let go. It felt good to be in this temp job also and proved to me that I could do more in the real estate field than just answering a friggin’ phone. Honestly though, I knew that my passions laid elsewhere.

 I got a spark in March and said to myself that I’m going to seriously pursue my freelancing again, which had been sparse for a year up until then. It was as if God agreed that I should, because the flood gates opened! The city I live in has had one issue after another to report on. One of my neighbors even helped me get in at that major paper again as a contract employee. (Yes, that same major paper where I tanked during the interviews 12 years prior.) A Web site that also covers my city asked me to write for them also. And so has another blog in the city. A magazine has begun there too, and the editor had had me write some articles. It’s just amazing-and I love it.

 What a weird path I’ve been on for over a decade. I honestly never in my wildest dreams ever thought I’d be back here again. Never! Granted, I didn’t think the pay would be so awful again, but I guess I need to look at it that I’m beginning again.

 I also need to look at my job path as a blessing. I had job stability for half a decade-woot! I learned a lot and was able to do a lot financially. I made friends there also. I have to admit though that when I sent an e-mail out when I got the gig at the paper that I also cc’d the bosses girlfriend, who of course didn’t respond. It was kind of my way to say f you, but also thank you for setting me free. I was shocked when a friend that I met here told me that a bunch of people from our old job got together a few months ago. She should have shut her mouth but told me that she told that first office manager that she was going to invite me and was told not to. I probably wouldn’t have shown up anyway, but what bitches is all I’ll say. All they did was complain about our former place of employment also. Fun time!

 The job path of an ADDer is filled with many twists and turns. I can see why a lot of us open our own businesses. I’ve wondered if I should, but I’d probably be too nice of a boss. We’ll see though.

 I’m finally on the right path though. Yay!

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Who me, freak out? Never!

  I ran out of gas this evening and wasn’t by a gas station and of course let my AAA membership run out that I’ll definitely pay for when I get the money. All of this made me………

 FREAK THE HELL OUT!

 Being that my debit card was also at home and also my lack of AAA, I had to call my parents to rescue me. 😦 And they took forever! (They live 20 minutes away and I swear that it took them 45 minutes to come.) Humor does happen in the worst of situations though! I ran out of gas right by a Mexican restaurant and I asked if anyone could help push me to a parking space. Two drunk girls, a young kid and an employee of the restaurant all came out and helped me push. I really must have looked nervous as hell (I had to get to a meeting and was running late anyway. I was very late when I finally got there. Very…), because one of the drunk girls told me to finish her tequila-and I did. And the employee of the restaurant got me a margarita-and I drank that. (And I stopped there.) Yeah, not bright…. I think that got me super jittery because of my meds, because by the time my parents did show up, my dad was telling me to calm the heck down. He was worried that I was going to get into an accident when I drove off. (Don’t worry, I didn’t.)

 I guess anxiety and ADHD are very often paired together. In fact, the psychiatrist tried to find the least anxiety producing meds for me and is debating also putting me on Prozac. Just do it when I get my insurance, please…..

 And so kiddos, the lesson for the day is don’t drink and take ADD meds. If you’re anxious anyway, it’ll make it worse! I’m writing this post to calm down, as a matter of fact.

 Fun stuff this ADD medication!

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finances

 Ahhhh yes, that dreaded topic. My finances.

 I did discuss it with the doctor at my last visit, and he nodded his head because he being a fellow ADDer knew right where I was coming from.

 “Cards maxed out?” he asked.

 “Yep,” I answered. (For the record, I only have one. I’m not stupid enough to run two up!)

  I’ve actually been figuring out my finances on this round of medication. And to say that I am nervous after figuring them out is the understatement of the year. Why am I only figuring them this time and not all the other times, you ask? I personally think it’s because I was on antidepressants before also  and antidepressants have been known to cancel out the effects of ADD meds. I’ve heard that from a psychologist and now the current psychiatrist. I personally agree. Doctors are apparently supposed to try one medication first and then add the others in. I have never in my life had that tried before. Never. It’s always here’s the anti-depressant and here’s the Concerta. Difference? Yes!

 I’ve been getting a lot of financial help from my parents during this time-and I hate it. I want to be responsible again like I was five-plus years ago when I worked my crappy, dead-end job in escrow. Of course, I lived with my parents also, which was probably why I was so responsible about my bills (and I had a therapist who pounded responsibility in me). I need it though. My record keeping is showing me that I need it badly.

 I need to be honest though. I need to get past the pride and just be honest and face it. Ugh…….

 Adulthood can suck sometimes…….

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Ahhhh…….

 I’m medicated again. Aaaaah. 🙂

 The psychiatrist couldn’t give me samples but instead gave me a prescription for a cheaper version of Desoxyn. (Do you all know how expensive Desoxyn is??? Yikes!) Needless to say, I was very happy to pay $77 instead of over $1,000 for a stinkin’ bottle of pills. Of course, I wasn’t happy when the final bill came for both the cheap Desoxyn and generic Concerta, which was over $200. 😦 But, I signed up for the Walgreen’s card thing they have for discount medication, which slightly helped this time. Come on HIPAA policy, take effect…..

 It’s really weird though how being on stimulants actually calms me down. Certain things also irritate me less on this medication. Weird. So, I guess that the meds do indeed help me. I’ll always have issues, but I hope that the meds at least tone them down. And help me stay employed…. I may have consistent employemnt soon and I really, really want to keep it that way.

 I can only pray…..

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the unhealthy duo……

 Okay, I am really in a mood this evening  due to not having enough meds. Excuse me while I rant again……..

 Are there unhealthy duos in families everywhere? Does it apply more to ADD families? I wonder about that.

 I think of my mom and sister when I think of unhealthy duos. Dear God, do they ever meet that criteria!

 There is just something about my mom and sister being together that makes my stomache churn. They are just so incredibly toxic and feed off of each other’s behavior-often at my expense. It’s crazy. It’s amazingly crazy with a capital C.

 I think about the last time I saw my sister, which was 4 months ago. She brought her boyfriend to meet us and he was drunker than drunk and I personally think stoned too. We went out to dinner the night we met him and he and my sister yelled back and forth the whole time in the restaurant. My sister went outside to cry and normally, I wouldn’t follow. This time though, I did.

 There’s normally an unspoken rule in our family that you don’t double cross my sister. You don’t speak your mind and tell her what’s what. You don’t question The Princess. This time though, I did.

 “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING BRINGING A DRUNK MAN TO MEET YOUR FAMILY?!” I said to her probably loudly.

 “I’m not discussing it! Especially with you.”

 Ohhhhhh…….

 And so, I went home and the next day, I get a voice mail message from my sister saying in a sarcastic tone how nice it was to see me last night and then made a dig about my facial hair and how I couldn’t go out to dinner with my family that evening because I have facial hair. My mother was in the background and said something to the tune of oh she knows about it, why bother telling her. (For the record, I know about my facial hair and get waxed to take care of it.)

 I called back and said four words to my sister that I mean. I’M DONE WITH YOU. And I meant it. We haven’t spoken since and honestly, I could care less.

 The sad thing is that my mother called my sister a “tough chick” for saying that! Huh?????  

 It just never fails with them. I can think of other situations too that if my mother were halfway normal, she would have told my sister where to go. My sister’s wedding is an example of that. I go along with my mom and sister to look at bridesmaids dresses and really am no help at all but instead am subjected to my sister posing in the mirror as she tries on dresses. (I mean, it was odd. It was an admiration society of one as she struck zillions of poses of oddness in each dress.) Afterwords, I overhear my mom and sister whispering to each other when we get home.

 Sister: “Kim is just too fat to be in my wedding! Make her lose weight!”

 Mom: “Okay, I’ll talk to her.”

  Oh, did my mother hound me about that for months leading up to the wedding! I was seeing a dietitian at the time, and she was even horrified at my mother. Honestly, it disgusted me that both of them would be so vain. And of course I didn’t lose weight! I played the passive aggressive bit once again….

 And honestly, there are other situations too, such as when my sister wanted to dye my hair when I was in eighth grade and I was scared shitless of what she’d do-or what color it would end up being. My mother ended up persuading me to do it! I am disgusted at this as I look back. Why couldn’t my no be honored?! For some reason I ended up telling the psychiatrist about this, and even he was flabbergasted. It’s really a personal boundary that my mother persuaded me to violate, which is wrong on so many levels.

 And there are other situations too. As a child, she would often come into my room, take something and give it back when she felt like it. She did this again one time about 10 years ago when I lived with my parents and I put the kibbosh on her really fast. Sadly though, she felt like she didn’t need to ask my permission to borrow anything from me! Oh the e-mails that went back and forth between us! Finally my sister made it into an argument about my weight. Yes, you read that right. And guess who she called to hash out my boundary with? Yes, my mother. Oh, and did my mother get angry with me. She tried to be harsh and wanted to have this “serious” talk with me about my weight. I was in therapy during that time and you would have thought the therapist was talking to a brick wall when she said to them during a family therapy session that something was seriously wrong with her if she couldn’t hear the word no.

 The last time that my sister involved my mom in an issue that was between her and I was a few years ago. And really, it’s so stupid that it’s not mentionable, but I will for the sake of showing the stupidity of this unhealthy duo. A former neighbor of ours who I am Facebook friends with asked if she could pass on my sister’s phone number to her brother. Both of them are divorced and live near each other, so we both felt no harm in that. Being logical though, I said that I would send my sister an e-mail to ask, which I did.

 Can I laugh now?

 Wouldn’t a logical person send an e-mail back saying yes, that’s fine, or no, and ewwww, don’t you remember how much I hated him (or something of that sort)? Well, my sister couldn’t do that. She had to call and speak to my mother and make it an argument against me being on Facebook! And so, my mother calmly tells me to get off Facebook, because my sister says so, and all about her phone conversation with The Princess. Huh????

  I e-mailed my sister then and informed her that what she did was not acceptable, but please help me understand why in the world she would call our mother and say this all to her, but not to me. I informed her that if she had an issue with me to please tell me and not inform Mom. Capiche? Guess what The Princess’s response was?

 “Try to understand this. Goodbye.”

 I got a lot of gasps as I told people about that and was sad. Of course it wasn’t goodbye. Not then, anyway. Now it is.

 My sister’s former childhood friends all know how she is. I was informed, in fact, that her behavior at a wedding that she, my now ex-brother-in-law and my parents attended was odd, to put it nicely. Childhood friends informed me that they thought she was on drugs because of her behavior. She arrived late while my parents were punctual and she actually told an old friend that the only reason why she was there is because my parents paid for her hotel room. (The words grifting bitch was used by her old friend when I was informed of this.) Another old friend told me that my parents were oblivious to it all. No shock. They choose to be.

 The sad thing is that my parents know also. My mom has grumbled as she mentions the year that my sister ditched her Algebra class to hang out at Taco Bell. Really though, why didn’t she put her foot down? My dad did. That doesn’t help though when Mom signs the absence notes.

 The sad thing is that my mom and sister would also make fun of my dad. My mom would hysterically laugh when my sister would do cruel imitations of my dad-and he’d sit there and take it. She’d also say things like, “NO WONDER YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS DAD!” (In reality, he has far more than her-and my mom also.) Oh did he let my mom know one evening how he hated that-the evening that my sister got her DUI. A little too late by then? I think so.

 My sister said she’ll visit shortly, and I will have no part in it. Will I have finally escaped the unhealthy duo?

 I hope to hell so!

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crazy parents and other thoughts…….

 I need to call the psychiatrist’s Monday, because I can really tell a difference without the proper meds dosage. I was conserving on the Concerta, and took my last one today. And tonight, I can feel it. I’m crying now.

 I’m sure that you’ve all realized that this blog is therapy for me, so I’m sure you’ll be forgiving if I go off into a rant right now. I got to thinking about this subject though as I put my clean clothes away. (Yes, I put my clean clothes away! You may all be shocked now!) I came upon some new tops and pants my mom had bought me. Her excuse is that because I’m so friggin poor right now that she simply wants to help me out. That’s nice of her (on the surface) but really, I usually can’t stand what she gets me and I want to puke when I see them. I also think it’s her way of having some control over me, the only daughter who gives a damn about her. Really, she’d be better off just giving me what she’d spend on these and letting adult me pick out my own clothes.  

 Mom is interesting. She is an incredibly bright woman who is kind-and knows how to get her own way. In fact, she’s ruthless about it.  I wanted to die a few days ago when an example of this came to light. I saw my parents when I took  my dad to the computer repair store. Mom had mentioned to us when we left to pick up dinner for the dog (Yes, she really did. You may laugh….). We both said okay and then forgot. In all honesty, that’s not good for the dog and my dad and I both know it. So, I take my dad to the computer repair store and we go out to lunch/dinner and I take him home. My mom asks if we got the dog anything. Oh shoot, sorry, no we didn’t…..

 Now, if a normal person would have heard that, they would have said okay and that would be that. Not my mother! She had a full-blown temper tantrum right there on the spot. Yes, my 73-year-old mother had a temper tantrum and wanted me to hit the fast food joint down the street to pick a hamburger up for the dog! I refused and my dad ended up doing it….

 This also applies to clothes she gets me. I opened them tonight and one is just too old for me while the other is fine. She has even given me her old clothes! When I try to tell her that I don’t want them, I always get this line:

 Mom: “But! They’re perfectly acceptable clothes!”

 Me: “I know they’re acceptable, but not for people my age. I don’t want to be rude, but I’m not wearing them.”

 Mom: “But why????”

 Me: “I’m just not. I will not get into a long discussion with you about this. Please accept it.”

 Mom: “But why???? Just take them home and think about them. Just take them.”

 And I usually do and passively aggressively throw them into a pile and never wear them. I have told her time and time again to not do this, and frankly, I’m sick of it. Sometimes she’ll start to be mean about it and say that I dress too young for my age (Like she knows what people my age like!) or something else to get me upset. And she’ll say other things to get her way.

  There is something that being on meds helps me with in terms of standing up for things. I don’t know what it is either. Maybe I think clearly enough to realize that this is ridiculous and I shouldn’t let it get out of control. Maybe. I can think of something a few nights ago (when I had appropriate dosages of meds) that I just nicely handled but meant business about and knew that normally, I wouldn’t have. A nice pest that I knew from church said hi on Facebook. I didn’t respond and so he called my cell phone! I didn’t pick up. I got back to doing what I was doing and twenty minutes later he calls my cell phone again! I answered this time and told him in a stern voice to please not call my cell phone because I have things to do. I didn’t pick up the cell phone the first time for a reason! He practically panicked over the phone and profusely apologized. I’ll need to nicely talk to him when I’m medicated again, because honestly, he’s very nice but needs to have someone tell him a few things. No one does, which is why he repeats his behavior. Right now though, I just want to ignore him. That’s normally what I do.

 And the same needs to go for my mom. I got into a big mess because she wanted me out of the house five years ago and I repeat these things because I don’t sternly say no or say what I honestly need from them. I play the passive aggressive part because my mom is ruthless and gets what she wants-often at my expense. The sad thing is that she doesn’t know that. She thinks she’s helping me.

 She would “help” me by cleaning my room as a kid. I kid you not. She would clean things that I honestly should have. I remember my dad telling her once to teach me to clean. Nope. She didn’t want to because my idea of clean and hers differ. And Mom always wins.

 I can think of times when I was a kid that she’d play the game of winning no matter what. I remember one time when she wanted us to get a piano. She scoped out the store, she got it all down to a science. And my dad said we couldn’t afford it. I remember her crying in the middle of the store for some reason because we couldn’t get the piano. How about accepting that we can’t afford it at the moment? Nope. (And in all honesty, we didn’t take lessons for that long to even justify a piano.)

 My grandparents ended up getting it for us.

  This blog post has helped me realize that I need to take the clothes she has gotten me  that I will not wear and take them back to my mother tomorrow and tell her exactly what I have written. I will not wear them and please, if you even have a thought of getting me clothes to please just give me the money instead for me to buy them. In fact, I put the clothes by my purse so there will be no way to miss them. This is going to be fun! Not!

 God I need the meds again! I’m really angry right now! I hate this!

 Edited: I did take them over and I told Mom that I wasn’t going to get into a big discussion about it, but that I was returning some of the clothes she got me. She said okay and that was that-for awhile. She did try to ask why they weren’t acceptable, and I just told her that I wasn’t going to discuss it with her. That did it. Shock!

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I can feel it……

 Remind me to never let my insurance lapse again. Oh please remind me!

 So the insurance agent calls Blue Shield to find out when my HIPAA policy will take effect, and they tell her that at the soonest, two weeks, “if the application looks clean.” What the hell does that mean? Is that just another excuse to deny someone? I highly doubt it if it’s a guaranteed issuance policy, but hey, it’s a thought!

And of course, I can’t get a temporary insurance policy because that will make me ineligible for a HIPAA policy. So, it looks like I’m screwed for two weeks.

 And the sad thing is that I can feel it. I called the pharmacy to see about purchasing Desoxyn without insurance. Um, let’s just say I won’t and yelled a little at the poor woman on the phone helping me. The price is murder! Concerta is better though and won’t cost me an arm and a leg to purchase right now. It’s still a decent amount of blech though. And props to my pharmacy for being so nice to a temporarily uninsured person and being so willing to get the Concerta ready for me and tell me about their prescription savings plan. (I have to go to a different drug store for the Desoxyn, which I hate and of course, they don’t have anything to help pay for the overpriced medicaiton.) I called the psychiatrist’s office to see if I can get help with some samples until the insurance takes effect. The woman on the phone said she’d call me back after talking to the doctor.

 The sad thing is that I can feel not having all the medication in me right now. I feel unproductive and blech and about the same as I did before meds. I’ve got one measly pill left of the Concerta. So, I know I’ll at least have to go pick that up tomorrow. It’s my low dose for the extra kick, the doctor said, so it ain’t much.

 Remind ADD me to never let my insurance lapse again. This majorly sucks! What a lesson to learn!

 Do any of you have issues paying for your ADD meds? If so, I really want to know how you handle it.

 

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